Looking like a true Khaleesi

It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday, unless your yesterday is full of narcissistic monster children desperately clinging to squalor and unhealthy relationships like they’re the mark of a life well lived. Saying goodbye is at the heart of last night’s Girls episode, appropriately titled, “Goodbye Tour.”

Hannah’s facing the prospect of bidding adieu to her friends, her “friends,” her apartment, the city, the streets full of human shit, because she has somehow inexplicably been offered an insane sounding job at some anonymous liberal arts school upstate. Turns out, cranking out a few thinkpieces on the internet can not only make you a viral sensation, earn you a book deal, get you paid thousands of dollars by brands being an “influencer,” but it also somehow makes you a fucking academic now? Cool.

Regardless of the impetus, the crux of the episode balances on Hannah’s decision. Elijah desperately wants Hannah to stay (probably more for his sake than hers), but he seems to be the only one championing that option. Tad thinks it’s a great idea, and even Adam’s long-lost sister Caroline arrives just in time to free Hannah like a wild bird out of the city. In fact, she credits her own departure from the city with cleaning up her act.

The real opinions that matter though are nowhere to be found. She’s still not speaking to Jessa, Marnie’s not answering her phone and Shoshanna’s number appears to be disconnected. Hannah tries to stop by Shoshanna’s apartment, but instead of finding Shosh listening to a Life Coach podcast or throwing out all the possessions that don’t give her joy, or whatever, Shosh is throwing a party. An engagement party. For herself. And Hannah wasn’t invited.

So THAT’S what Shoshanna has been up to. She met her fiance, Byron (of course it’s Byron) at a Sprinkles cupcake ATM (duh). Since Hannah neglected to tell Shosh about her pregnancy, Shosh didn’t find it necessary to alert Hannah to her impending nuptials. Seems right.

I think Hannah would make a better guest than Jessa, right?
I think Hannah would make a better guest than Jessa, right?

Hannah is still insulted, and once she notices Elijah, Marnie and Jessa all managed to score invites, she’s only hurt more. Marnie rallies the four of them (Elijah wisely opts out of the drama) in the bathroom. She thinks she can use the skills she’s gleaned from her online therapist to fix the group dynamic, but Shoshanna once again says what every viewer has been thinking: These four are bad for each other. She’s moved on to friends who have jobs and purses and nice personalities, and she’s leaving this “exhausting and narcissistic and ultimately boring” group dynamic behind.

While the group therapy sesh wasn’t successful, it did open the door for Hannah and Jessa to reconcile. In one of the most grounded, realistic and touching moments of the series, they apologize to each other for everything and agree they were somehow trying their best. “Our best was awful,” Jessa chuckles through tears. “Worst best,” Hannah replies.

We also learn Elijah got the part in White Men Can’t Jump: The Musical, Hannah is having a boy (“What if I raise him perfectly and do everything right, and he rapes a bajillion people and like runs a lawnmower over a town?”) and Jessa has dropped out of school.

The episode ends with the four girls dancing separately around the party as we flash forward to Hannah’s new life moving into her place near campus. Goodbye, Brooklyn! Goodbye, Laird! Goodbye, Adam’s sister who disappeared and nobody cared! Goodbye, Marnie, Jessa and Shosh! Goodbye, Ray, we’ll miss you the most. Goodbye, Adam, Hannah doesn’t want you to find her. Goodbye, Elijah, we’ll see you on Grindr! Goodbye, Girls, goodbye forever. Or at least until Entertainment Weekly does a reunion cover of you guys all together.

Wait, what? There’s one more episode left? Fuck.

For now, let’s put on our best Teen Mom outfit and discuss the moments from last night we loved so much we can’t even and the parts that were so ridiculous we can’t even.

We Can’t Even

Marnie gets one guest appearance on Broshanna, but only to kill her off
Marnie gets one guest appearance on Broshanna, but only to kill her off

I love the idea of Elijah and Shoshanna being bros. I would 100 percent sign up for a spin-off You Better Call Saul-style that just showcases their friendship. I could see the trailer now: “If you thought you had it all figured out once you got through your 20s, just wait until your 30s. This season on Broshanna, Elijah and Shosh learn what it’s like when your body can no longer handle binge partying, but the soul-crushing reality of realizing your life is nowhere near where you thought it would be by now forces you to dull all your senses by any means necessary.”

Don't tell your mother
Don’t tell your mother

If I can’t get any shirtless Elijah scenes, I guess I’ll settle for an a cappella cover of Demi Lovato. Would’ve been better in a jockstrap though. (Sorry! It’s my column, deal.)

Truer words were ne'er spoken on this show
Truer words were ne’er spoken on this show

All hail Kween Shoshanna. The scene in the bathroom was one of the series’ best. It had echoes of the seventh episode of season three “Beach House.” It was there where Shosh first embraced her misgivings about this friend group, but all four women were all so utterly in their own personal disasters at that point, they couldn’t move on. Now, all four women (giving Marnie a bit of a pass) seem to be at their most self-aware. Shosh was right about them. It’s time to move on.

We Can’t Even

Hannah couldn’t handle teaching middle schoolers, how is she supposed to teach college? Can you imagine Hannah being your college professor? It would either be the easiest A you’ve ever received, or you’d have to spend so much of your personal time talking her through her own personal crises that abandoning the course after the drop period would be worth the fail.

Tell me she had 500 business cards made up for that one meeting with the music supervisor for Grey's Anatomy
Tell me she had 500 business cards made up for that one meeting with the music supervisor for Grey’s Anatomy

Someone PLEASE explain why the fuck Marnie has business cards.

Human shit on the sidewalk is not even in the top 10 worst bodily fluid encounters Hannah's dealt with
Human shit on the sidewalk is not even in the top 10 worst bodily fluid encounters Hannah’s dealt with

Of all the delayed life lessons Hannah had to finally learn, realizing some (if not most) of the shit you see on New York City streets was from people is probably the most obvious. Also, there’s a reason there are still so many puddles when there hasn’t been any rain.

How is this all going to end next week?

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