What do you get the mom that has nothing? Weed gummies, obviously.
What do you get the mom that has nothing? Weed gummies, obviously.
What do you get the mom that has nothing? Weed gummies, obviously.

Ready or not, here comes mama. Mama’s talkin’ loud, mama’s doin’ fine, except she’s really not doing fine at all. It’s more like Mama’s eating too many weed gummies and vomiting in Chinese restaurants. Let’s see Bernadette Peters try that.

Hannah’s mom Loreen is in town, and she’s in rough shape. These days she’s got a sweet medical marijuana hookup, and spends her lonely days stoned. As she munches on her first gummy worm, Hannah drops the bomb that she’s pregnant. Loreen reacts with a ton of chill, because she realizes Hannah feels like this really is her baby.

It’s not until the two take a trip to the laundromat that things take a darker turn. Loreen is still munching away on those gummies, unconvinced they’re working (you gotta give ‘em time, lady!). She hasn’t been speaking with Hannah’s dad, and it seems her life has gotten pretty lonely. All Hannah’s attempts to reassure her that there’s someone out there for her completely fail. She’s convinced she’s going to die alone, and Hannah’s pregnancy only serves to make her more melancholy. Eventually she gets so tired of hearing Hannah try to make her feel better, she storms out with a pile of her laundry.

When Hannah gets home, instead of finding her mother stoned on the couch binge-watching “Planet Earth”, she finds a pile of her laundry on the stoop and Loreen nowhere in sight. Hannah loops Elijah into a search party, and they set out looking for Loreen.

They eventually find her at a Chinese restaurant stoned out of her mind. In her altered-state she spills the beans to Elijah about Hannah’s steamed pork bun in the oven. Elijah does not take this news well, and he tells Hannah what we’re all thinking: She’s going to be a terrible mother.

The only romantic pairing I'm actively rooting for on this show.
The only romantic pairing I’m actively rooting for on this show.

Elsewhere, Ray is dealing with Hermie’s death. He’s rummaging through his apartment and marveling at his VHS collection. Hermie left him everything, and it’s sent Ray’s typical neuroses into a full-blown existential panic. Marnie, of course, isn’t hearing any of it, because 20 minutes into helping Ray clean out the apartment, she wants to bail. God, she is terrible. At least Ray realizes it and breaks up with her.

And finally, the true worst, Adam and Jessa, are hard at work on their terrible, terrible movie. Guess what? It’s terrible! They’ve renamed the Hannah character “Mirah” (ugh!), but it’s still close enough for Jessa to feel threatened. She wants to view Adam and Hannah as a miserable, hilarious failure, but Adam’s film portrays them more as beautifully broken.

When production moves to Laird’s place below Hannah’s apartment, Hannah runs into the girl playing “Mirah” on the stoop. The actress reveals she’s had three kids, but assures Hannah, “Kids are super easy. It’s being an adult that’s hard,” which might as well be the logline for this entire series.

Now, let’s grab a handful of edibles and discuss the moments from last night we loved so much we can’t even and the parts that were so ridiculous we can’t even below.

We Can’t Even

The only kind of navel-gazing I support on this show.
The only kind of navel-gazing I support on this show.

If you’ve been reading these recaps long enough, you know we have a total hard-on for Andrew Rannells’ Elijah, and, while this episode kept him in his pants, we do love how his Adderrall-adled morning kept him from covering his midriff for the whole scene. (Also we fell a little more in love with his reaction to losing Loreen: “What is this, The Muppets Take Manhattan?”) We’d smoke salvia at 10am with him any day.

Gummy edibles are the kind of self-care we can get behind.
Gummy edibles are the kind of self-care we can get behind.

As sad as Loreen’s journey has become, it definitely feels like one of this show’s most earned story arcs. Still, hearing about her sad Midwestern existence does make me wish someone would start forwarding her some Ask Polly columns or something.

Nanny, psychologist, producer, complete monster, is there anything she can't do?
Nanny, psychologist, producer, complete monster, is there anything she can’t do?

In all the chaos of pregnancies and moms on the lam and feeling some serious jealousy over Loreen’s sweet weed gummy hook-up, this episode did have some great comeuppance for Jessa and Marnie. The latter finally got dumped by Ray for being an insufferable brat, but it was watching Jessa squirm that was really satisfying. She never seems to recognize that anyone else could be as deep and wild and interesting as she is, so having her watch Adam re-enact the intimacies of his relationship with Hannah felt like blunt-force trauma.

If this was a Buzzfeed quiz, we're afraid we'd learn we're at least 75 percent Hannah Horvath.
If this was a Buzzfeed quiz, we’re afraid we’d learn we’re at least 75 percent Hannah Horvath.

Hannah showed some real self-awareness with her list of reasons why she shouldn’t have the baby, but we think she missed one important one: She’s still friends with Marnie.

We Cant’ Even

Hannah told her mom “This is Brooklyn, one of the most dangerous places in America. You don’t know the terrain, you’re not Lil Kim,” which seems a touch dramatic. First off, they’re in Greenpoint. The only danger she’s in is being late because the G train is being sluggish. Worst case scenario, she ODs on pierogies or too much vegan pizza.

What, you're too good to slum it at Flywheel with the rest of us?
What, you’re too good to slum it at Crunch with the rest of us?

Of course Marnie divides her time between Quiet Pilates and Physique 57. Is she really raking in the bucks from all those Marnie & Desi tracks no one wants?

Mirah. MIRAH. No. Stop.
Mirah. MIRAH. No. Stop.

Speaking of art no one wants: Adam’s and Jessa’s film. As if watching Hannah and Adam be generally awful to each other wasn’t bad enough the first time around, now we have to watch the Lifetime Original Movie version? (Suggested titles: Not Without My UTI, Dirty Daughter, La La Land.)

Honestly, taking a look in the kitchen of most NYC restaurants is way worse than being told you're going to be a terrible mother.
Honestly, taking a look in the kitchen of most NYC restaurants is way worse than being told you’re going to be a terrible mother.

What sort of restaurant just lets two people stand in the kitchen?

Look away, Earworld. Look away.
Look away, Earwolf. Look away.

If Hermie’s box of old cassette tape interviews means Ray is going to start a podcast, I swear, I’m done.

Tell us what you thought about in the episode in the comments or I will make an overwrought short film about all of your personal shortcomings!

Bobby Hankinson is a writer and comedian living in Brooklyn. Send him your suggested titles for Adam’s and Jessa’s film on Twitter, @bobbyhank.

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