‘Girls’ season 5, episode 4 recap: Adam and Jessa finally do it, for some reason

A lesson in passive aggression.

A lesson in passive aggression.

Love is in the air everywhere you look, except maybe not love so much as recklessly consummated (and likely ultimately doomed) relationships. And not really everywhere if you count Fran and Hannah.

Hannah’s inevitable destruction of her relationship with Fran marches on this week when the two clash over how to properly grade homework. Maybe it’s the fact everyone keeps reminding her how nice Fran is that’s making her push him away, but whatever the reason, they’re the only two not bumping uglies this week.

Yes, it’s true, Jessa and Adam finally held hands and jumped crotches first into the deep end of their weird romance after Jessa got in a fight with Hannah on a terrible rice pudding date. Meanwhile, Marnie and Desi keep finding new ways to be completely terrible, while Elijah and Dill taught the world about doing it and doing it and doing it missionary.

Take a break from sloppy fucking your partner on a gross couch, and let’s discuss the moments from last night we loved so much we can’t even, and the parts that were so ridiculous we can’t even.

We Can’t Even

Hannah made a great point about how proper English is a joke. Whether or not we’re all going to be robots and speaking in Chinese in 10 years, we already communicate mostly in acronyms, emojis and GIFs.

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Nice pants, Marn.

Nice pants, Marn.

At first, we audibly groaned when Marnie showed up back in Brooklyn. But at least she was greeted with an appropriate amount of disappointment and fury by her neighbors. When even the local gentrifiers think you’re ruining the neighborhood, maybe you should pack up your mylar pants and go.

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#SameLove

We love everything about Elijah (especially how he’s always in underwear), but we liked him even better when he was wearing even less. Just like when Looking showed two guys having sex in the missionary position, straights all around the world saw Elijah and Dill going at it missionary style and let out a collective “Whaaaaa?” Even one of your two trusty Brokelyn Girls recappers had no idea that gay dudes had sex like that. (We’ll let you guess which one!)

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He's wearing more accessories to do construction than we wear to holidays.

He’s wearing more accessories to do construction than we wear to holidays.

Of course Desi was wearing a gold chain under his tanktop while doing construction. That boy has a real commitment to accessories.

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It's only rice pudding.

It’s only rice pudding.

Is there a better food over which to confront your friend than rice pudding? Expectations are already super low. Don’t fuck with our fro-yo, though.

It hit a little close to home when Jessa warned Hannah that she was going to wake up having wasted our lives on websites. Not this one though, right? RIGHT?

We Can’t Even

OK, Hannah, you could have avoided this whole fight with Fran had you just fucked him instead of getting all huffy about grading a few tweens’ poems, let’s be real.

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Get over it, Malé.

And speaking of tweens, take a seat, Malé. You’re living in New York City rent-free, and you’ve got an unconventional name, so you’ll always have a conversation starter. You’re going to be fine.

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Gross, stop.

Gross, stop.

We’re kind of experts when it comes to awkward sex, so we can safely say that while Adam and Jessa’s sex was gross, it wasn’t necessarily bad sex. Just get off Adam’s gross couch? Just get in the bed! This coupling has been weeks in the making, it deserves a comforter, or maybe a fitted sheet. At the very least, maybe a different location than where you’ve routinely banged Hannah, had a weird mutual masturbation party with Jessa and probably eat every single one of your meals.

While we’re talking about fucking, remember when Desi actually fucked Marnie over last season by not showing up for their lame performance? He doesn’t need a girlfriend, he needs a mom.

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It’s going to take a lot to get us that excited about dinner in the theatre district.

Sorry, Elijah, we’re not going to shave our backs for a date in Times Square. Not even with a super hot celeb daddy. If you’re going to make us pose for pictures with fat tourists and selfie sticks, you’re going to have to take us as we are.

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Ray just needs a little creative branding.

Ray just needs a little creative branding.

Ray’s really overthinking his little business problem. He just needs to do a little rebranding. We put on our best Restaurant Takeover brainstorming hats and came up with a list of suggestions for him to win back the hearts of minds of the local coffee snobs:

  • A little outdoor seating
  • New signage, maybe a punny chalkboard
  • Start renaming sizes in like Esperanto (malgranda, mediumo, granda)
  • Serve coffee in bags, like Canandian milk or Capri Sun
  • For every 10 coffees bought, give one free to someone with a Masters degree in communications

Next Week: Desi has an unfortunate accident when his leather cuff gets stuck in a scroll saw while attempting to build Marnie a recording studio in their tiny apartment. Also, Dill takes Elijah on a date to the top of the Statue of Liberty and Hannah starts a fight with Fran, but she has a really good reason this time, you guys don’t understand.

For more discussion about whether these girls will ever get it all together, follow Bobby and Carly.