‘Girls’ season 5, episode 2: ‘Girls’ will be boys and Marnie’s honeymoon diary

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Someone get Mr. Horvath on PrEP.

We’re back in Brooklyn for this week’s episode of Guys, we mean, Girls. Last night’s episode, “Good Man,” put the focus on the men. Finally, a show that gives a voice to white men. Adam wants love, Mr. Horvath wants sex and Ray wants lids. Fran probably doesn’t want anything except for like an easy to maintain haircut and probably a pair of Toms.

Ray confronted the new coffeeshop across the street over their refusal to give their customers lids, but ends up embarrassing himself. Fran’s psycho roommate forces him to move in with Hannah probably too soon. Hannah’s dad is in town to bareback some stranger he meets on the Internet, but he makes the rookie mistake to leave his wallet behind. He calls Hannah in a panic to retrieve his lost wallet. When she learns her dad didn’t use protection, she freaks and calls Elijah. Of course, Elijah isn’t excited to get involved in all that noob drama, so he ditches them for a nearby bar where he’s hit on by a handsome local newscaster (played by the great Corey Stoll).

Oh, also, Jessa and Adam keep being gross.

Check out the moments from last night we loved so much we can’t even, and the parts that were so ridiculous we can’t even, below:

We Can’t Even

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“What if we made the Storm Troopers green?”

-You know what they say: The couple that wears matching green outfits to AA together, stays together.

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Body type: Fiercely real.

-Another week, another shot of Elijah in his manties. Is Andrew Rannells angling for a gig as a gay underwear model for Andrew Christian? Pretty sure he qualifies as gay plus-size.

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It gets better.

-Gay 101: Always check for wallet, keys phone before leaving a hookup, and never date on Gay.com unless you’re looking for a suburban Dad or you have a time machine.

-We definitely needed a break from Marnie after last week’s episode, so we’re glad she was nowhere to be seen this week. Brokelyn did, however, score an exclusive look at Marnie’s honeymoon diary:

6 a.m. Woke up. Reserved chaise by the quiet pool by throwing down Anthropologie towels.
7 a.m. Screamed at Desi to wake up for 15 minutes. Gave up and ate breakfast alone (two pieces of smoked salmon and a small fruit salad).
9:30 a.m. Hot yoga, but teacher refused request to turn temp down. Overheard her telling someone she was worried she’d lose her son in her custody battle. That took my zen away. Complained to staff. 
11 a.m. Apologized to Desi. Can’t stay mad at him. Mostly because I’m needy. We traded jewelry. He’s so manly.
1 p.m. Watched Desi order lunch first before me. Wrote a song about how angry I was until I realized the song I wrote is already a song by some bitch named Lisa Loeb. Hate that name.
3:30 p.m. Massage on the beach. So romantic until some old couple was doing a vow renewal. Told them to go somewhere else because I needed me time and they were being rude.
5 p.m. Nap
7 p.m. Nap
9 p.m. Dinner. Desi ordered first. I ordered filet mignon, then cried when it came, because, oh my god, that animal has feelings. Desi cried too. He loves animals. Weird that while he was crying he was looking at a picture of Clementine. Her face is still the wallpaper on his phone. I’m ok with that because I’m a feminist and also because it’s a bad picture of her.
11 p.m. Desi says he wishes we were eating dinner now like he did in Madrid that one time he was there to study abroad.
11:30 p.m. Made love to Desi while listening to the Rolling Stones cover band playing outside our hotel window. I really identify with “Wild Horses.” 
11:45 p.m. Faked a stomach ache and went to sleep.

We Can’t EVEN

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Step right up, step right up: Win a hypodermic needle or a knock-off Minion stuffed with old bandaids!

-Jessa and Adam go to Coney Island, and awww, how cute. Sure, we’d love to have a romantic day with a cute boy at the beach. But come on, Coney Island is dirty and smelly. You can’t take more than three steps without walking into a dirty diaper. One time we actually saw someone selling puppies out of a backpack.

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Fran is a prince. He was probably raised by a single mom.

-We used to think home invasion was our biggest fear living in Brooklyn, but now we think it’s a home invasion where Fran is our best protection. What’s he going to do, make doe eyes at the burglar?

-Why is Hannah STILL a teacher? If we had to deal with 12 year olds all day, we would want to leave as often as we can. But she’s, like, always leaving.

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“Take my card, because I’m never going to meet you at Macri Park.”

-Guys like Dill Harcourt — guys with their own driver and budgets for sending tricks martinis at a bar — don’t flirt with the bearded hipster in an Urban Outfitters hoodie. They choose the Chelsea guy leaving Crossfit. And they find them on Grindr and fuck them for free.

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This scene was like the pot calling the kettle #problematic.

-Glad to see Lena Dunham writing jokes about Ray’s privilege, especially since the only black representation this show usually has is the coffee and Jessa’s eyeliner.

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“I did it with the Force!”

-A goldfish was probably actually harmed in the making of this episode.

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What’s going on down there?

-It was weird to watch two people masturbate from only the chest up. Are we sure they were even jacking off? How do we know they weren’t …

  • Playing an intense game of Mario Kart?
  • Giving tiny dogs massages?
  • Trying to get a ball on a string in a tiny cup?
  • Sending a complaint email to American Airlines on a Blackberry?
  • Doing extreme nail art?
  • Keeping up their zen gardens?
  • Snapchatting a bunch to stay relevant?

Next week: What it is even going on with Shoshanna? Have you seen her Instagram? How does she turn all her lunches into tiny recreations of old scenes from MTV’s TRL? It’s insane.

For more discussion about whether these girls will ever get it all together, follow Bobby and Carly.