‘Girls’ season 5, episode 1: Nice day for a white, Christian woman wedding

Finally, a wedding episode of a show where everything goes wrong.

The boys are back in town. But not boys, Girls. And not really in town, more like at a rich country house. Like all the best Girls episodes, last night’s season five opener whisked Hannah and friends away from the city. Oh, you don’t care? You stopped watching Girls around the time Marnie started doing Kanye West covers? We get it. Girls stopped being an exploration of 20somethings scraping by in Brooklyn long ago, opting instead to see just how insufferable its characters could become.

Judging by last night’s episode? Pretty insufferable! Worse yet, it’s a wedding episode, when everyone’s at their worst. But this is the penultimate season before these Girls (presumably) become WOMEN, so we’re sticking it out to the end, albeit sometimes begrudgingly. Even if it seems like they’re running out of friends to hook up with. 

The episode is presumably a few months after the season 4 finale: Marnie is getting married to Desi, her Mumford and Son musical partner, Shoshanna moved to Japan but is back for the occasion, Jessa is the archetype character who doesn’t believe in weddings, both Marnie and her mom bridezilla out. In a separate house on White Wedding Farms, Desi meditates, goes through cold feet and we learn he’s been engaged many times before. Adam and Fran (Jake Lacey), Hannah’s new beau, exchange some monosyllabic awkwardnesses (and it’s a little hard to not think Adam Driver has bigger things on his mind these days than these little awkwardnesses).

If you’re still watching too, check out the moments from last night we loved so much we can’t even, and the parts that were so ridiculous we can’t even.

We Can’t Even

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No one tell Kylo Ren.

-We’re not sure why Hannah opted to bone her boyfriend in the car parked in plain sight in the middle of the lawn and not sneak away to one of the bedrooms in the country house, but props to her for making it happen. As New Yorkers, you never know when you’ll have the chance. But in the driver seat? Wasn’t she at all afraid of honking the horn?

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God bless Elijah, the only one having fun.

-Elijah proved once again that the gays know exactly what to pack for a wedding: MDMA and super cute underwear.

-All a girl wants is a guy with Fran’s looks, Ray’s eloquence and Desi’s jewelry.

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More Bridgett Everett, please.

-We think Bridgett Everett is the best at everything she does, even if what she’s doing is making Marnie look like a drag queen on a telenovela.

-It wouldn’t be an episode of Girls without Hannah getting topless. There they are. Those are the tits that make us feel safe. We missed you.

-Let’s all be glad Desi and Marnie decided not to play music at their own wedding.

We Can’t Even

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Passé Beyonce.

-This wedding clearly takes place in a pre-#formation world.

-There wasn’t a huge need for Marnie to be such a control freak; let’s be real, this is only her first wedding. Once she finds out she’s wearing Clementine’s ring, it’s not going to last.

-Jessa and Adam are hooking up now? Maybe it’s time to branch out. Get on Tinder. Join a bocce league.  You’re not stuck with the same six people you already know.

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Conduct unbecoming of a community board member.

-Ray seems much too pragmatic to have jumped in that pond wearing that suit. You know it was a rental, and we doubt he brought a spare.

-Not really sure why Marnie was so stressed out about the rain. Couldn’t they just go inside? There was like a dozen people at this whole wedding, and most of them don’t even seem like people Marnie generally likes. Plus, we’re sure none of them brought a gift.

Predictions for Next Week:

-The wedding day rain melted Marnie’s IUD and now she’s pregnant with sextuplets, all of whom are wearing leather bracelets in the womb.

-Shoshanna reveals she’s been in Japan training with Takeru Kobayashi to win the Coney Island hot dog eating contest.

-Jessa’s therapy practice takes off, earning her a popular call-in radio show, turning her into the Fraiser Crane of Brooklyn.

-Hannah likes her teaching job. It’s fine.

For more discussion about whether these girls will ever get it all together, follow Bobby and Carly.