Occupy a Wall Street penthouse: Get out of the 99% for just $99!

Become a Wall Street trader without ever wearing a suit. Photo via daytradingreport.com

Hot afternoon career tip brokesters: Quit struggling for your art and become a day trader instead! What’s that? You didn’t go to business school and don’t know shit about the stock market? LivingSocial has a deal for you: for just $99 you can learn everything you need to become a day trader and be rolling in LIBOR-inflated dough in time to vote for the 1 percent in November. The course, usually $499, includes an 8-hour boot camp with veteran Wall Street traders at Equity Trading Capital that (presumably) will give you a much better foundation than a Wikipedia explanation.

If you’re like me (that is, you have no money and therefore no interest in the stock market), you just Googled “day trading.” Essentially, day trading refers to the highly risky practice of buying and selling stocks, currencies and various “futures contracts” within the same trading day; the more volatile the market, the more favorable the conditions for the day trader, regardless of the longer-term direction of the trend in the market (thank you, Wikipedia). Day traders can work independently through online trading tools without being employed by a financial institution.

For a limited time only, you can learn everything you need to be at the heart of the next financial scandal in just 8 hours! Buy in the next five days and you’ll get classroom instruction on how to evaluate stocks to trade and execute sales, simulated trading and “chat room” access (apparently this is the portal through which day traders communicate). Or you can upgrade and pay $399 for a four-day Silver Course Equities Trading Program (normally $1,999), which includes instruction in technical analysis, entry and exit points, timing trades, examining market movers, and a other topics. Of course this raises the question: Do you really want to take financial advice from people who have to discount their course by 80 percent?

If you can’t beat em, join em? Do us a favor and watch Too Big To Fail and Margin Call first.