Well Brooklyn, we’ve sat through another year of bone crunching, jaw dropping, CTE-causing action on the gridiron, and this weekend it all finally ends at Super Bowl 50. On the one side, you’ve got the Denver Broncos, led by Papa John’s shill and alleged HGH abuser Peyton Manning. On the other side, you’ve got the Carolina Panthers, led by human highlight reel and racism magnet Cam Newtown. The world will be watching, and after speaking to a couple of Canadian gentlemen who seem to have some insight into the way football really works, I believe the Illuminati will be watching as well.
Don’t worry if you don’t have an invite to Bohemian Grove to watch at their annual Super Bowl party, there are plenty of Brooklyn bars showing the game. This also the only Super Bowl party roundup that will shed light on the Illuminati scheming to watch out for during the game.
136 Metropolitan Ave., Williamsburg
There’s a kind of cinematic arc to this year’s Super Bowl, with it almost undoubtedly being Peyton Manning’s last game, capping off an almost unrivaled quarterbacking career. So, it’s fitting to watch the game in a movie theater, which you can do at Nitehawk for $30 (admission gets you a seat, as well as beers and hot wings made in-house).
It will also be helpful to watch on a big screen so you can get used to the sight of “Papa” John Schnatter’s face on a huge screen, as sources with this kind of knowledge have told me that the Illuminati will be installing the disgusting pizza boss and friend of Peyton Manning as their head of surveillance in the New World Order.
61 Wythe Ave., Williamsburg
It might be kind of disorienting to watch the Super Bowl in a place as big as Brooklyn Bowl, especially if people are making a big racket around you. On the plus side, you’ll be able to watch Cam Newton dab all over the Broncos on a huge screen, hear all the sounds of the game and being in a dark big room with a huge crowd should prepare you for the day the Illuminati starts herding us all into camps.
702 Union St., Park Slope
Union Hall has not one, but two Super Bowl parties you can choose from. Upstairs, the game will be on at the free party featuring a special Super Bowl menu with things like beer cheese, burgers, corndogs and wings. Downstairs is where the real action for sports fans will be, as sports comedy video duo Kyle Ayers and Patrick Schroeder will do a live version of their Sports Balls show, providing commentary on the game’s commentary and providing some prop bets for you to win.
Even better, your admission comes with a free beer and snacks to eat. It seems to dumb to have to remind you of this, but please remember that gambling on football in America is a strictly no-magic affair, but it works on the honor system. Don’t screw it up for everyone and get a bunch of regulations handed down like they’ve got when it comes to soccer betting in Europe.
627 Fifth Ave., South Slope
Freddy’s is doing the Super Bowl right, holding a chili competition that you can either enter yourself to win booze and bragging rights, or just use to put yourself in a chili coma when the entries will be served to the public in the second half. Ever wonder why chili and football are so intertwined? It actually has nothing to do with the fact that it warms you up in a cold parking lot or stadium.
The fact is (and you can look this up), stew is the most popular food among witches in the United States. If football stadiums and tailgaters served stew in the quantities that they do chili, the stadiums would become witch magnets and the games would be held up by any number of magical antics. So whatever you do, DO NOT bring stew in place of chili to the competition.
The Bell House
149 7th St., Gowanus
Peyton Manning’s forehead is so large that it’s been convincingly compared to the Incredible Hulk’s archenemy The Leader. That’s because, obsessed with gaining even the slightest advantage on the football field, a young Peyton Manning devoted his life to studying ancient magic as well as the art of quarterbacking. As a result he managed to fill his head with a number of misdirection and probability spells to the point where his brain because swollen from magical energy. All of his pre-snap screaming is usually advanced and delicate spellcasting, but at this year’s Super Bowl, the rumor is that Peyton will be turning his magical energy on the viewing audience at home in order to control their minds.
The good news is that being armed with this knowledge in advance will let you do something about it. While you’re watching at The Bell House, drinking $4 Sixpoint pints and buying wings and pulled pork sandwiches, find a manager, tell them about the threat facing the audience and explain that someone needs to get up on stage and lead the crowd in shouting down Manning’s spells when he’s under center. If they don’t want to cooperate, just get up there and make people understand. You’ll be saving hundreds of minds.
Greenpoint Beer and Ale
7 N. 15th St., Greenpoint
This Super Bowl is Super Bowl 50, which as we all know, would be “Super Bowl L” if it was keeping up with previous Super Bowl traditions. So why the change to Arabic numerals for this one? Let’s work it out now. What’s the letter “L” most associated with? “Smoking an L,” which is slang for smoking pot. The NFL is heavily invested in making sure that their players don’t actually use pot for pain relief, instead demanding they use Toradol and other high-powered painkillers backed by the medical-industrial complex. The NFL clearly wasn’t into giving pot the kind of publicity boost that a giant “L” plastered everywhere would give it, so they switched it up on us to make pharmaceutical companies happy so that the pharmaceutical companies keep spending ad dollars on NFL games.
It all makes sense once you lay it out. Anyway, if you’re looking for a place to watch the game that is slightly north of the “L” train, Greenpoint Beer and Ale will be serving up a menu with things like poutine, wings and fried calamari as well as mixing up beer cocktails, all while showing the game on a 15-foot screen.
Paddy’s of Park Slope
273 13th St., Park Slope
Paddy’s has a pretty good thing going on, with $15 for five beers buckets, and seven big TVs that allow you to see the game from any angle. They’ve also got surround sound, but just make sure you bring earplugs for the halftime show. Not only because Coldplay’s music is bad, but because the Illuminati specifically picked a band that sings sad songs in order to cause depression around the world, leading to mass suicides and a reduction in the world’s population to a more manageable level for them to control.
“Dave, Coldplay obviously isn’t in the Illuminati,” you’re saying to yourself, and I agree. That’s why they’re sending Beyoncé there as “support” to make sure the plan goes off without a hitch. What, you think her and Chris Martin are actually friends or that Beyoncé would cede the spotlight without a secret agenda?
43 Franklin St., Greenpoint
Why go to a bar where you’ll have to pay for food when you can save money by taking advantage of the free wings The Diamond is serving at halftime? Beyond the fact that at Brokelyn we believe in saving money anywhere you can, there’s another reason for you to start hoarding all the paper cash you can.
When global thermonuclear war breaks out due to a malfunctioning targeting computer in the Pentagon, and the resulting clouds of ash block out the sun, you money will be nothing but worthless paper. When that happens, you’ll be dealing with a world where fire will be in high demand, so you should either spend your money on nothing but firewood, or just keep it buried in your yard to use as kindling in your future trash barrel fires. Either way, definitely don’t spend it on food, when you can get it for free.
773 Coney Island Ave., Ditmas Park
Panthers quarterback Cam Newton has come under fire from some self-proclaimed guardians of football decorum because of his love of dancing after scoring touchdowns. More reasonable football fans have noted that blasting Newton for a lack of “class” for daring to have fun while kicking the shit out of people is the same kind of race-tinged criticism that black athletes always have to deal with, but there’s another reason why this is a racist double standard. No one shames Peyton Manning for being selfish despite appearing all over their TVs shilling everything from insurance to bad pizza. The dance moves that Newton’s done all season are actually also complicated spells, just like Peyton Manning also uses while in the pocket.
Ask any of the football fans at 773 Lounge, the neighborhood sports bar that will be full of old-timers who’ll be able to tell you about watching a young Joe Namath out-magic Johnny Unitas in Super Bowl III, thanks to the power of his anointed hair. In addition to an education, 773 will be providing a hot buffet, a couple three-foot sandwiches and wings, while showing the game on every TV in the bar.
708 Fifth Ave., South Slope
We should all be so lucky that the Super Bowl never comes back to the Meadowlands again, as it’s inevitably a huge waste of taxpayer money and infrastructure to support a billion-dollar industry. “But I want to go to the Super Bowl,” you say, seemingly not aware that the chance to go to the game itself is controlled tightly by the NFL, who only lets in the rich and pretty. Don’t believe me? Look, the league is being investigated for conspiring with Ticketmaster to fix the prices of regular season games, so that rubes like you bankrupt themselves to get in.
The league might be actively working to screw you over at any opportunity, but you know who isn’t? Mary’s, who’ll be showing the game while offering up free sandwiches, chips, pasta salad, $2 off drafts, beer and shot deals and free pool and darts.
South 4th Bar
90 S. 4th St., Williamsburg
Here’s some news you can use: in addition to showing the game in the front and back of the bar, South 4th Bar party is going to have enough food to feed an army, with free pizza and two eight-foot party subs from Brickhouse Pizza, Brokelyn’s own Eric Kingrea‘s jambalaya and chili from the winner of the bar’s chili cookoff from this past weekend, along with Jell-O shots in Panthers blue and Broncos orange. For degenerate gamblers, you’ll be able to buy boxes for 10 points per pop and buy tickets at $10 each for a chance to win a 42-inch TV in a drawing after the game.
Ordinarily I’m not big on gambling, since the house always wins and the house is always, connected to the Illuminati on a direct line. In this instance though, “the house” is your friendly neighborhood drinking hole, so gambling here will hurt the Illuminati in addition to maybe earning you a giant TV.
406 Third Ave., Gowanus
You’ve got two choices for how to watch the Super Bowl at Halyards. In the front of the bar, they’ll be showing the game on a big projector screen with the sound on in straightforward fashion. In the back room, they’ll have a comedy panel made up of Brandon Ream, Patrick Hastie, Gideon Hambright, Amy Bilancini and John Bilancini commentating on the game, the commercials and the whole huge spectacle.
Choice is clearly something CBS isn’t interested in giving you in the future, considering their logo is essentially an all-seeing eye. Remain alert and listen for Jim Nantz to start speaking ancient Sumerian, a telltale sign that his bosses at CBS are attempting to use the global reach of the game’s broadcast to raise The Ancient Ones from their slumber in the ocean depth in order to use their power to rule the Earth as The One True Television Station. Since the unblinking eye of CBS watches you as you watch it, it’s good to put a wall of comedians in between you and the station.
Pine Box Rock Shop
12 Grattan St., Bushwick
You might find it weird to watch the Super Bowl in a former coffin factory. Consider this though: Panthers’ linebacker Thomas Davis is playing on a surgically reconstructed knee that was repaired in part by using a ligament from a cadaver. This leaves Davis susceptible to being controlled by necromancy, so look for furious magical battles to over Davis between the Panthers’ and Broncos’ necromancy teams, both of which were ranked in the top five of the NFL this year.
Feel free to argue about which squad’s black magic team reigns supreme while eating vegan chili, Frito pie and BBQ sandwiches from Champ’s Diner and washing it down with $4 Sixpoint drafts and regional brews representing each team.
Humboldt & Jackson
434 Humboldt St., Williamsburg
When the Illuminati finally makes their play to destabilize the world and take it over, you’re gonna have to get used to the sight of bones everywhere, as any resistors will no doubt be taken care of ruthlessly and left to rot in the streets as an example.
You can practice for dealing with staring at piles of bones without becoming a traumatized mess at Humboldt & Jackson’s all-you-can-eat wings extravaganza. For $16.82, you can get access to a seat and all the wings (and bones) you can stuff in your body, and can even attempt to be crowned King Wing at the bar’s halftime wing eating contest.
40 Bogart St., Bushwick
After the Super Bowl, when the Illuminati declares that you can only eat foods endorsed by Peyton Manning (Oreos, Gatorade, Papa John’s, Nationwide insurance papers), the choice before you will be to fill up on greasy garlic butter pizza or join the underground food rebel movement and make your own good food.
Get a head start by hitting up Syndicated, Bushwick’s new gastropub/movie theater, where the game will be shown in the bar and paired with a menu featuring food like duck confit nachos, buttermilk fried chicken and tater tots loaded with cheese, sour cream, jalapeños and pork. You can wash it all down with $7 custom cocktails in tribute to the two competing teams, going either with the Broncos’ Colorado Bulldog ( Tito’s Vodka, Kahlua cream and Coke) or the Panthers’ Ice Pick (sweet tea, Tito’s vodka and lemon juice). Spend your spare moments asking the chefs and bartenders how all this stuff is made, and after the game, go to the nearest supermarket and stock up before the coming panic.
House of Yes
2 Wyckoff Avenue, Bushwick
If you want a Super Bowl party that really puts you in the middle of the action, you can’t do much better than the “Immersive Super Bowl Experience” that the House of Yes is promising. It mostly seems to be having the game blaring from all corners, providing plenty of food like nachos and wings, and in a twist, a live halftime performance by a bunch of people dressed as cheerleaders.
Maybe you wanted something more “immersive,” something that really puts you in the middle of the action, but you should also remember that a truly immersive NFL experience would require some terrible sacrifices. You’d have to get injected with all sorts of terrible painkillers until you couldn’t feel your sprained MCL anymore, and swear fealty to The Shield, which is an actual, living logo that harvests blood from every player in the league.
Follow Dave for more brutal sports honesty at @DaveCoion.