Let Nic Cage teach you the alphabet in Vampire’s Kiss

1. 49ers fan? Nurse your broken dreams at Broken Comedy, at Matchless (Monday)

2. See Groundhog Day Huckleberry Bar. See Groundhog Day Huckleberry Bar. See Groundhog Day Huckleberry Bar. See Groundhog Day Huckleberry Bar. See Groundhog Day Huckleberry Bar (Monday)

3. Learning is sexy. Especially when the S.A.S.S. is teaching you about brothels (Tuesday)

4. Lit comedy kids Animal Farm tackle the subject of love, as if anyone can truly feel it (Tuesday)

5. Q. What kind of kiss really sucks? A. A Vampire’s Kiss! (Actually, go see it, it’s hilarious) (Tuesday)

6. Artisanal locally-raised gluten-free drag queens? Artisanal locally-raised gluten-free drag queens (Tuesday)

7. Will Oldham shows up at Book Court to finally tell everyone what monarchy Bonnie “Prince” Billy is a part of (Wednesday)

8. The House of Vans wants you to know that you still have somewhere to skate even though there’s snow on the ground (Wednesday)

9. Good Co. has seen all you kids in your Joy Division t-shirts and Flock of Seagulls haircuts and is giving you waht you want: a New Wave dance party (Wednesday)

10. Frank’s Cocktail Lounge hosts writers talking about love. Hope you never slept with someone performing there, because they’ll definitely be talking about you if you did (Thursday)

11. It’s a night of comedy paying tribute to Richard Pryor, at BAM. Bring your kids so they can learn all new ways to combine curse words (Thursday)

12. Folks from the Park Slope Food Co-op read about the low-voltage areas of love, like responsibility and romance. What would you expect from people who work at a grocery store so they can shop at it? (Friday)