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The 16th Annual Mr. Lower East Side Pageant
Feb 23, 2015 @ 8:00 pm - 11:00 pm| $6
Sadly, the infamous Mr. Lower East Side Pageant, which was originally scheduled for January 31st at Cake Shop was cancelled at the last minute due to the “fun police” and fear of penile exposure. So in a bizarre turn of events it’s moving to Brooklyn! This is OK, given the Lower East Side is a state of mind and frankly, the Lower East Side can suck it, as all creative activity has been exiled from the neighborhood due to greedy landlords. (Landlords recently almost exiled me from the LES in housing court!) I’m pretty sure that someday, the Mr. Lower East Side Pageant will be held in New Jersey. The good news is that Lucky 13 in Brooklyn is willing to host the depraved event and we will be introducing a new title: “Mr. Gowanus.”
But the show’s format will remain the same. Dudes will show up and compete in the following categories: A 1-minute talent competition, a swimsuit competition, eveningwear and question and answer. Contestants must show up at 8 to sign up! Or they should e-mail revjen12 [AT] yahoo.com for details. All women and gay men are given ballots and invited to judge. The votes are then tabulated on the Ballsack 3000 and a winner is announced.
The 16th annual Pageant will prove to be an extra-glamorous extravaganza, similar to the Ms. Universe Pageant, if all the contestants were hairy and liked Budweiser. To compete in this cutthroat pageant, contestants need not live on the Lower East Side. (Because honestly, who can afford it anymore?) They simply must possess qualities, which would make them the proper representative of this neighborhood. (What those qualities are, I am not quite sure of…)
Last year’s winner, Matthew Silver will possibly be giving up his crown (which comes complete with a detachable bong) in the most exciting event of the year. The chosen monarch will also receive a slice of pizza from Rosario’s, a six-pack of Budweiser, and the knowledge that he has been chosen by the people. Runner-up will receive the dubious honor of Mr. Tribeca, and will get to wear a smaller vagina-shaped crown throughout the year. The first ever Mr. Gowanus will get a crown of tinfoil. There will also be prizes given for “best male tits,” “congeniality” and “best nutsack.” Special performances by past Mr. Lower East Sides and musical acts will make the night especially magical.