Your emergency 4th of July rainy day indoor guide

4th of july rain

There are dark forces working on the edges of our Independence Day celebration. Photo by Tim Donnelly

Before we get all wrapped up in celebrations of the jobs report, celebrations of America and violent arguments over whether a hot dog is in fact a sandwich, we need to deal with an inconvenient truth: the chance of rain on July 4 is 100% right now according to Weather.com. Nature, for some reason hates America. Of course, if you have the day off on July 4, you’re still going to want to do things, so we’ve got a roundup of some indoor celebrations in case this darkest of weather predictions comes true. All that being said, Mother Nature ought to remember that America is a nation armed with 2200 nuclear warheads and we’d certainly hate for something to happen to this nice planet if the weather didn’t play along with our holiday weekend.

Wassabassco’s America, F*ck Yeah at The Bell House (149 7th Street, Gowanus)

Fortunately for you, rain outside won’t mean rain inside, as burlesque dancers from Wassabassco salute America the only way they know how: hardcore nudity. Well, not hardcore, but when you’ve got rope tricks, tassels and kiddie pool, something will probably happen that your pastor would probably rather not know about.

Dances of Vice Rockabilly Night Market at SRB Brooklyn (177 2nd Avenue, Gowanus)

If you can’t enjoy the fireworks in a park, you may as well celebrate rapacious American capitalism by buying stuff. It’s not even the bad kind of Wal-Mart capitalism since all the tchotchkes on offer will be from local vintage and craft vendors, so you’ve got that going for you.

Jaws, at the BAM Harvey Theatre (651 Fulton Street, Fort Greene) and Nitehawk Cinemas (136 Metropolitan Avenue, Williamsburg)

You’ve got two options to watch a movie the kicked-off America’s fear of/obsession with sharks, in two distinctly American ways. Will you watch on the giant screen while munching popcorn on at the BAM Harvey Theatre, or will you watch with the more effete urban liberal crowd while eating brunch at Nitehawk? Choose wisely, because you can only write one think piece about your experience.

Patriotic Movie Marathon at Videology (308 Bedford Avenue)

What is more American than drinking $1 Budweisers while watching America kick the shit out of the rest of the world on the silver screen? Rain can stop your beach day, but it can’t stop you from drunkenly reciting the speech from the end of Rocky IV in a crowded bar.

Summerjam VI at Shea Stadium (20 Meadow Street)

If you grew up in range of Hot97’s radio signal, the fact that Shea Stadium’s July 4th/birthday celebration is also named Summerjam is probably a little confusing. Don’t focus on that. Focus on the fact that you get a couple noise rock bands and a couple country-tinged bands at the realest venue in all of Real America.