Greetings unsatisfied Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts of Brownstone Brooklyn! Thanks to Amy Sohn’s post in The Awl yesterday, we know you’ve got needs that defy your age, the desire to be young and dumb and free, to chug (boxed) cabernet while bad-mouthing your spouses, to scream from rooftops down at the idle masses living their cookie-cutter lives like some tight-jeans wearing loft dweller. We’ve heard your pleas in your books and blog posts and those longing looks you give us as you show off your recently reduced tits across the bar, and we are here to help!
Stop wasting your time chasing that DILF down the street. You deserve to truly regress, not go for the Key Food-brand almost-good-enough version. That’s why you should instead choose to spend your post-40 dalliance with one of our certified Brokelyn boys! Guaranteed to offer you the grittiest depiction of carefree life in your late 20s and early 30s. Leave the toddler at home, ladies, because this Bushwick DIY venue may have a water slide but it is definitely not family friendly. If you think your life is like Girls now … we’ll have to take your word for it, because none of us can afford HBO.
-Never fear of running out of condoms! Your friends may prefer the pull-out method, but we all know that’s how you end up living in the suburbs and working at a Costco. Brokester guys are guaranteed protected, as we are well aware which bars give out the free condoms, and often have an overly optimistic stash ready at all times.
-When you hook up with people who pass the day at menial service industry jobs, no one judges you for doing drugs on a weekday! In fact, you can smoke pot with them in any ZIP code: If there is anything broke boys are good at, it’s dodging open container laws with the clever use of paper bags and quickly hiding drugs.
-Lose weight! You’ll be hanging out with people who drink more than they eat.
-Why pay a sitter? Bring your kid over and one of our nine roommates will likely be around to watch them while we go do lines off the back of an overdue Netflix rental.
-Your friends call you Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts? Round here we just call them “coworkers.” No judging!
-We can walk you to the coop for your shift, because we work there too! Do you mind spotting us for a falafel on the way there, because we’re starving?
-And a special bonus offer for you ladies that will impress your friends: Unlimited acces to the vaunted Trader Joe’s employee discount. Eat frozen pre-cooked pasta with the best of em!
AND YOU WANT AUTHENTICITY? WE’VE GOT AUTHENTICITY
-Ditch your climate controlled mortgaged brownstone and come spend a night in the crippling heat of a no-air conditioning loft! It’s like a free bikram yoga class, with the soothing sounds of sirens pouring in the windows.
-All that first-floor stroller parking makes you soft. Help us carry our new street-found, possibly parasite-ridden couch up a seven-floor walkup and we’ll repay you with the dregs of a bottle of Early Times whiskey (if there’s enough to share).
-The chance to walk home at dawn when we realize we spent all our subway money on picklebacks.
-Sure your friends all can brag about their latest novel and make you feel bad, but for some of us, it’s an achievement just to wake up on a Thursday morning without a hangover. Feel triumphant by comparison!
CANDIDATES – act now- these dudes won’t last!
Occupation: Roberta’s bread delivery boy, grocery jockey
Regressive authenticity level: 90 percent. (He delivers bread for Christ’s sake.)
Attributes: Weird scars, intoxication enthusiast, troubling lack of social grace, strong calves. Contains no air conditioning.
Regressive authenticity level: 70 percent. Once he finishes the bocce court in his backyard, this should go up 78.
Attributes: Put down your kids’ Wii controller for a day because Eric has the true Gen Y entertainment in the form of 8-bit Nintendo games. He’s also been a world traveler, so you can vicariously experience all those exotic travel destinations you gave up on when you had your second child.
Occupation: Representative for Brooklyn Vodka
Regressive authenticity level: 80 percent
Attributes: Satisfy your wanderlust tendencies with a trip into Kenji’s apartment in the wilds of Chinatown. Kenji is a graduate from the French Culinary Institute, so after-sex brunch is all but guaranteed.
Occupation: Semi-professional interneter
Regressive authenticity level: 90 percent, as a well-documented anti-maturationist
Attributes: Extensive knowledge of cheap beer journalism market, loft space with a rooftop view evoking the wild summers of youth, popular Twitter account on which to over-share your exploits.
Occupation: Nine-to-fiver; writer-manqué
Regressive authenticity level: 65 percent. Like having an affair with that guy at a Prague hostel.
Attributes: Recently lived in Egypt for two months before being chased out. Enjoys puns and drunken cat tending. Speaks German.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! Don’t think we forgot about you discontented dads either. Our own Tom Sullivan is pro-hot dads and can offer curious philandering fathers a chance to traipse through the garden of youth hand in hand.
Occupation: Nine-to-five non-profit marketing assistant extraordinaire
Regressive authenticity level: 70 percent. Residing in upstate Brooklyn, gnawing on frozen veggies out of the bag to survive.
Attributes: Lives in a detached house with a front porch, open to being either the big or little spoon, willing to share his extensive DVD collection with the right person.
Act now as these boys are going fast! Lack of steady employment means we can be at your place any time, any day. Weekday early afternoons preferred. We can be yours for the low low price of an iced coffee and the password to your wifi.