Couple spends romantic Saturday night slashing tires in Midwood

In the most mysterious Brooklyn crime since we all woke up to a Brooklyn Bridge with white flags on top of it, a couple in Midwood decided to spend late Saturday/early Sunday morning puncturing tires up and down Midwood. All told, the suspects who still remain on the lam, slashed tires on 70 different cars according to CBS. Police haven’t revealed the names of the suspects, but we wonder if a certain pro-cycling Twitter account will take responsibility for this one.

The tire slashing frenzy went down between midnight and 2am between Quentin Road and Avenue S, and Bedford Avenue and East 17th Street and Bedford Avenue. In that rectangular area, a man and a woman were caught calmly walking up and down the street puncturing tires as if it were a thing they do every night.

Police released surveillance camera footage of one of the dozens of tire assaults that happened that night, showing the couple strolling by a storefront, and then the male half of the couple calmly reaching down to stab tires on two cars next to each other. Beyond the eerie calm of the person going around stabbing tires and how goddamn unsettling it is, there’s the more practical matter of the popped tires costing people $300 to $400 to fix, which is no small chunk of change. Police haven’t named any suspects, so for the moment, we’d keep any loud anti-car sentiment to yourself if you even slightly match their description.

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