Coming soon: a world without coffee

A burned out Oslo is just the beginning. Photo via Austin McCutchen

A burned out Oslo is just the beginning. Photo via Austin McCutchen

This could be the end of life as we know it. It’s true, Brokesters, things are a-changin’, for better and for worse. For better: we may be seeing improvements on the G train. For worse: we may be losing Coney Island to a strip mall anti-paradise. But the biggest change to come, indeed one of the most horrifyingly and universally life-altering things we could imagine, has to do with none other than our precious, precious coffee supply. That’s right, folks, according to The Awl, our future coffee supply is in danger.

So what evil force is behind this obscene devilry? Changing weather patterns threatening coffe growing climates, thanks to none other than our old nemesis: global warming. Deny it all you want now, but you’ll be sorry when there’s no coffee to get your cranky ass out of bed in the morning to spew false claims! Global warming is real, and it’s coming for your Starbucks.

Try to imagine a world without coffee. It would probably look like some post-apocalyptic horror movie, except seeing all our friends and lovers turn to zombies, the enemy would be us: our own cranky selves, groggily scouring the streets for the last artisanal coffee bean, unable to find a cup of joe even at the bodega.

The demand for the stuff isn’t slowing down, in fact, we’re adding to more and more essential products, like triple espresso vodka, Patron XO Café and Six Point 3Beans. And maybe the worst part of all: if the stuff becomes more scarce, coffee is just going to become more expensive, and consequently even more bourgie. I mean, how much do you already spend at coffee shops? Think of all the assholes you’ve stood behind in coffee shops demanding their one-pump half-caff caramel soy iced cappuccino. Now imagine that these are the only people who can afford coffee. The injustice of it all!

Fortunately, this isn’t supposed to go down for another 65 years, but now you have something else to think about when you decide whether or not to have kids. Is a world without coffee really one you want to doom your offspring to? So, let it be known: dark days lie ahead, so you better start hoarding now.