Adult onesies, The Rev and Santa Clauses: How to enjoy Christmas week as a Christmas orphan

i am santa claus

Mick Foley and Santa Claus will help make your Christmas a little less lonely, as long as you have Netflix

They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year, which is undoubtedly true if you have a goofy sweater wearing, hot cocoa drinking, Christmas carol singing, adorable family to go home to. But if like me you are among those who can’t – or choose not to – leave the best borough in the world over the holidays, whether you’re fond of Christmas or not, the expectation that it will be a somehow significant and special time can be quite annoying.

As an affirmed boycotter and Christmas orphan (perhaps more commonly referred to as “The Product Of Divorce”), over the years I’ve developed several tactics to keep myself distracted and entertained.

Drink, dance and sing your sorrows away, if you have any. Otherwise, CELEBRATE at these venues that are keeping their doors open:

Crazy $ince Da 90$
Saturday December 20, 10pm
Union Hall
FREE with RSVP or $5

Attend an ugly sweater, 90s hits dance party at Union Hall. It’s free if you RSVP and get there before 11pm, and you’re bound to run into some fellow laid back Christmas orphans.

Holiday Edition Soul Clap and Dance Off
Saturday, December 20, 11:30pm
Brooklyn Bowl
$8

If soul music and bowling are more your style, Brooklyn Bowl is hosting a great party that’s right up your [bowling] alley. Who knows, maybe Questlove will show up, which would by far be the best Christmas miracle in my book.

Awkwafina, Prelow, Bebe Panthere and Les Bonhommes
Saturday, December 20, 9pm
Knitting Factory
$10

Bob your head and rap along to Awkwafina’s hilarious response to Mickey Avalon’s “My Dick”, “My Vag

Harry And The Potters present the Yule Ball
Sunday, December 21, 5:30pm
The Bell House
$20

You know who else was a Christmas orphan? Harry Potter. Which is why  you should check out this Harry Potter themed event. Harry And The Potters will be there, and no band is more adorkable than Harry And The Potters. The Potter Puppet Pals, the same ones who brought you “The Mysterious Ticking Noise“, will also be performing (150 million Youtube viewers can’t be wrong!) and Lauren Fairweather will be singing about being a Harry Potter superfan.

Rev. Vince’s Christmas Spectacular
Monday, December 22, 10:30pm
Union Pool
FREE, suggested $15 donation

For those who take their vodka with a dash of spirituality, Williamsburg’s resident late-night reverend is breaking out promised special guests for the two sets of gospel goodness tonight, as well as Eli “Paperboy” Reed providing backup by spinning gospel 45s.

Glasslands Holiday Party
Monday December 22, 7
Glasslands
FREE

Since they’ll be gone soon, enjoy one last Christmas party at Glasslands with Jonathon Toubin and karaoke.

Shea Stadium Holiday Jam
Shea Stadium
Tuesday, December 23, 8pm
$5

Celebrate the season at a Brooklyn DIY venue that’s actually still standing after the heap of closings this year, with members of Titus Andronics and the So So Glos. Get a picture in front of the Mets logo mural while you can.

Christmas vs Hannukah Party All Nite
Tuesday, December 23, 9pm
Freddy’s
FREE

A Jewish DJ, Christmas vs. Hanukkah beer specials and “Denominational Burlesque” battle for seasonal holiday supremacy once and for all. Or at least until next year.

All Day Christmas movies
Tuesday, December 23, 4pm
Videology
FREE

See your favorite Yuletide cinematic stories, use your Videology Beer Book coupon if you haven’t yet and just enjoy basking the warm glowing warming glow of television providing you the spirit of Christmas.

Of course, if you don’t want to go out, there’s plenty of other stuff you can do since no one is around!

Embrace the Alone Time
Chances are your roommates will be gone, and unless they’re subletting their rooms to a couple of gorgeous Eastern European men, you are alone at last. Whether you choose to be a lazy slob, compulsively deep clean every corner of the apartment, dance around in your underwear or eat an entire pumpkin pie while finally binge listening to Serial; just embrace this rare opportunity to express yourself fully. In the words of an anonymous poet, which I found written on the wall at Freedom House, “Freedom is being alone so that you can fart under the duvet.”

Make It An Adult Onesie Day
All it takes is a quick YouTube search to learn for yourself that wearing an adult onesie will immediately make you forget all your problems. Last year for Christmas my friend Jenny gave me a footed, hot pink and leopard print onesie with a hood and a butt-flap. I wore it all day around the house, stuffed my face with greasy food and tried to teach myself Mele Kalikimaka on ukulele. Best orphan Christmas ever.

After losing a bet I will have to take things up a notch this year and wear that bad boy all day (indoors and out), specifically to the airport, which brings me to my next point.

Do something nice for someone! Isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
I volunteered to pick up a friend’s friend from the airport on Christmas day. I do not know this person, so the fact that I will be wearing a hot-pink adult onesie solves the problem of how will we recognize each other at the arrivals gate. But yeah, if you can do someone a favor, just do it. It’s good karma, you’ll feel better about yourself, yadayada.

Watch I Am Santa Claus on Netflix
Curl up and learn about the lives of four professional Santa Clauses. Clausi? Anyway, once you do, you’ll understand why all I want for Christmas is for someone to please start a Kickstarter campaign to help Alex move to Ft. Worth so that he can finally be with his partner Jim (Santa). Just thinking about that adorable gay man dressed up as Santa crying over his boyfriend who’s far away melts my heart so bad. Seriously, start a petition, get Dan Savage involved, do what you gotta do because I just can’t take it!

Good luck, orphans! And happy onesie day.