11/21/16 3:54pm
There are some things you're just going to have to say over and over again. via Madten

There are some things you’re just going to have to say over and over again. via Madten

‘Tis not exactly the season to be jolly — the first of fall and winter’s family-centric holidays has already been marred by this year’s election, the results of which may well have divided your family into pro and anti-Trump camps. And while it’s no doubt as hard to be a Republican in a Democratic family as it is the other way around, in this case we declare that the pendulum of insanity swings only one way.

But the last thing you need at a holiday meal is to get into an argument with a Trump supporter. For one, yelling cuts into turkey time. What’s more, Thanksgiving is a time of erasure. It’s the one time a year when we actively gloss over the bloody history of our once indigenous nation, and gather hands to forget what we did. So,why not do the same with politics? Even if most of your family voted for Hillary, there’s a chance that at least one of the olds at the table didn’t, and the best thing to do is redirect any hints of political conversation to a different topic.

There are plenty of resources on how to talk to pro-Trump family, and there’s definitely an argument for that. But we’re here to tell you how to avoid, avoid, avoid, because that’s also something you might have to do for your own sanity. We’ve put together a condensed guide to topics of conversation you might have to divert, with solutions that are about as neutral as a Jerry Seinfeld routine! Feel free to borrow any of these ideas and get ready to have a peaceful holiday meal with the elephant in the room.  (more…)

11/07/16 11:16am

As the 2016 presidential election draws to a close, your once-serious considerations about moving to Canada are looking less and less necessary every day. Not to jinx anything, but come Wednesday, even I, chief Canuck correspondent of Brokelyn, hope that Canada can once again be relegated to its neutered role as “America’s Hat.”

But just in case you’re still having inklings about a future exodus, here’s a music video making one last bid for you to move to Canada. Written by a Brooklyn-based duo of actors, Noel Carey and Julia Mattison (of Brooklyn Sound) and produced by Dan Crowley (of LIC-based rock band The Hog), the music video parodies the Beach Boys’ “Kokomo” by setting the chorus instead “Canada.”

Soothing late 80s-style crooners in hunting hats and flannel promise “vacation days and health care nights” in a catchy, calming rhythm you’ll recognize right away from your prom days. And as stereotype-heavy as this video is — maple syrup trees, polar bears on cross-country skis — it’s not entirely wrong about the merits of moving to Canada.

“I hear poutine is ootta sight,” for example, is a fair statement to make. As is this other lyric: “Quebec, Regina, don’t grab my vagina.” (more…)

11/04/16 2:28pm
New York's a bummer, but we have solutions. via @huenemejen on IG

New York’s a bummer, but we have solutions. via @huenemejen on IG

Social media has played a bigger role than ever before in the 2016 election cycle, and it follows that we of the voting public have suddenly become adamant about sharing the details from our side of the ballot. The rise of the ‘ballot selfie’ has certainly been one of the more curious runoff issues from this year’s election, and watching three separate petitions to have them allowed in New York get shot down by a judge is equally uncanny.

In practice, yes, ballot selfies are bad. They hold up the voting line, add to the growing landfill of election-themed internet trivium, and seem to compromise the integrity of the democratic process by allowing the Sauron eye of the internet into a judgment-free space (which a curtained voting booth is certainly meant to afford).

But the idea of a ballot selfie is a good one. It’s a less wasteful “I Voted” sticker you can wear proudly on social media, not to mention a handy tool to help you shame those who chose not to vote this year. And Brokelyn is nothing if not the bad influence your mom warned you about, so we’ve compiled a list of sneaky above-the-law alternatives to the ballot selfie you can feel free to use as proof of your vote this coming Tuesday. (more…)

10/19/16 2:00pm
You're gonna need this.

You’re gonna need this.

You may be feeling a lot of anxiety going into tonight’s final presidential debate, and that’s completely understandable. Presidential debates are both serious and consequential, and in this election cycle one orange-haired outcome is truly dire.

That’s why we created our favorite coping mechanism, the Brokelyn Debates drinking game (which we’ve updated for the final round). You might remember our game from the last election between O-bummer and Mitt Zombie. Everyone knows that politics is better when you’re tipsy, so why not make it official with a few rules and regulations that’ll help you deal with everything that comes out of anyone’s mouth tonight?

Unlike the debate itself, nothing you do in this game is going to affect who becomes our next president. The game is fully playable and within your rights to modify if you start vomiting halfway through. Print out this post or pull it up on your smartphones to play during the debates, either at one of these watch parties in BK or on your very own free stream at home. Cheers to democracy!  (more…)

10/11/16 10:57am
You know Hermione never has late fees.

You know Hermione never has late fees.

Keep your sweaters, keep your decorative gourds, keep your pumpkin spice anything. There’s only one thing I care about in the fall: WITCHES.

That’s right, witches. I love witches. I love stylish Ryan Murphy witches that fire off snappy dialogue. I love animated Disney witches that straight-up try to murder people in a children’s movie. I love aspiring teenage witches in the suburbs that are too old to like horses, but too young to do drugs so they play Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board at weekend slumber parties.

And why not? Witches are awesome. Not only are they reclaimed feminist icons, but they also DO MAGIC. As soon as Halloween hysteria gets in full swing, and Hocus Pocus is on heavy rotation on cable, I start calling the corners.

Walking the streets of Brooklyn, it’s tough not to see witches all around you. Every block is seemingly studded with stylish girls dressed in black with dark lipstick and wide-brimmed hats. (Or maybe that’s just the HAIM sisters.) And let’s not forget the actual coven of witches in Bushwick.

To celebrate the season of the witch, we’ve rounded up 10 of our favorite pop culture witches to represent Brooklyn neighborhoods. Take a look at which witch we picked for your hood in the list below. (more…)

10/03/16 10:24am

Everyone’s dealing with their rising election panic differently today. Some of us are sending dick lollipops to Donald Trump; some of us are phone banking for Hillary; and some of us are trolling New York City with prank election announcements to gauge just how ready America is for the possibility of a Trump presidency.

Brokelyn’s favorite Nathan for You-style prankster, Tyler Fischer — last seen posing as a couples’ therapist in IKEA took to the streets yesterday posing as a BBC reporter. He chose various public places to host a fake newscast, reporting loudly to a fake cameraman that Hillary Clinton had dropped out of the presidential race. (more…)

09/28/16 1:00pm
Taking it to the streets — via Flickr user Gord McKenna

Taking it to the streets — via Flickr user Gord McKenna

Street names are underused form of public salute. Every once in a while we change one to celebrate a former mayor or something, but for the most part we’re stuck with boring old numbers and letters.

Coney Island hot dog tycoons Nathan and Ida Handwerker got their own street earlier this summer. Bensonhurst Bean reports that the neighborhood is renaming several more streets after its local heroes over the next few weeks. But why should hot dog celebrities and war heroes get to have all the recognition? They already have that other stuff.  Here’s a list of 10 underrated Brooklynites and honorary locals that we’d like to see given their own street names. (more…)

09/26/16 3:30pm
They're coming for our books - via Flickr user Jans Canon

They’re coming for our books – via Flickr user Jans Canon

Suck it, monkeys: Pigeons can read now, apparently. As Popular Science reported last week, our feathered frenemies may actually be able to comprehend, or at least recognize, written language. A new study from the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that pigeons, with some training, were able to recognize 26 to 58 words, which is just a few steps away from being able to read books (and, presumably, eventually killing us all).

Rather than run in fear, we here at Brokelyn have decided to welcome our rat-bird overlords with a little reading guide. These guys mostly live in New York City, after all, so once they get the grasp of a few more words they’re bound to be hanging around the Strand and going to readings with the rest of us. Here are the ten books any self-respecting pigeon in the city needs in order to stay relevant. (more…)

08/31/16 5:02pm
Would you believe it if it happened to you?

Would you believe it if it happened to you?

MADMAX: Beset by the horror of young people ruining everything from bar soap and sex to cereal and cars, and also swayed by Donald Trump’s anti-immigrant rhetoric, Joyce and friends form the group MADMAX: Mothers Against Drunk Millennials (Also Xenophobic).

THE BOY WHO CAME BACK TO LIFE: After a science bro who previously ghosted Joyce in college sees on social media that she hangs out at Freehold, he re-emerges to sext her incessantly using only light signals.

THE PUMPKIN PATCH: The latest in the trend of single-item specialty boutiques in Brooklyn, The Pumpkin Patch is a new store opening in Bushwick that only sells pumpkin-spiced items. Steve works here part time to save money for hair gel. (more…)