08/16/16 4:50pm
This Banana of New York is nostalgic for the bad ole days. All photos via Bananas of New York.

This Banana of New York is nostalgic for the bad ole days. All photos via Bananas of New York.

Since Humans of New York first littered our social media feeds with faux-deep musings alongside photos of strangers, a whole crop of parodies have emerged. There’s been Millenials of New York, which is pretty “meh”; The Dogist, which is not so much a parody, but a superior, dog version; and in July, a Pokemon of New York came out as a perfectly absurd companion to the nonsensical summer craze.

But now, we’ve reached a whole new level of of New York-isms: Bananas of New York. Word of the latest HONY spin-off slipped into the Brokelyn tip box at exactly the right moment on this oppressive afternoon, rescuing me from being mauled by flying cockroaches and Tim from getting his foot caught in what at first appeared to be a mini-golf hole, but was soon to open up into a sinkhole the size of Sheepshead Bay.

“It’s like Humans of New York, but for banana peels I found on the street,” creator Vincent Moore wrote to us in an email. LOL. Here are some of our favorites so far. (more…)

08/01/16 12:46pm
Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 2.01.14 PM

They say Brooklyn is like summer camp but it’s actually way better.  via  @gabriellaregina / IG

Even amidst the ghastlier headlines in the news these days, you can wipe the sweat from your brow knowing that you decided to live in Brooklyn: land of progressives, personal freedoms and Pokémon bar crawls.

And these are just a few items on a long laundry list of small pleasures you may take for granted as a Brooklynite. Lucky for you, I’m working a brief stint at a summer camp in Northern Canada! I am writing to you from this vantage to remind you of a few things you can do in Brooklyn that you can’t do anywhere else, and especially not at Canadian summer camp. (more…)

07/08/16 8:58am
Whatever you want to do this summer, get at it.

Whatever you want to do this summer, get at it now before it’s too late (and buy one of these tank tops too). Photo by Madelyn Owens/Brokelyn

It may be approaching mid-July, but summer has really only just begun. In NYC, June is not yet summer: The schools don’t even let out until the end of the month, the public pools certainly don’t open until then (we learned this the hard way). The ocean in June is still a tad chilly. July 4th is a good kick-off to the season. Now, we are definitely fully immersed in summer. Fucking Summer!

But also, you’ve got to cherish it, because in a quick couple months, it’ll be on its way out. Before we know it, we’ll be calling out pumpkin enthusiasts for being basic, obsessing over what our Halloween costume should be, desperately trying to avoid any talk of football. You know, fall things. While we’re in summer, we’ve got to make the most of it, do all the summer things we envisioned, lest we experience regrets come Labor Day. No regrets! So what are your #summergoals this season? We asked some Brokelyn kids and some other folks around town to share what they’d like to accomplish in the dog days ahead — tell us yours in the comments too! (more…)

07/01/16 2:21pm
The Gowilla: All the news a developer sees fit to print.

The Gowilla: All the news a developer sees fit to print.

The Brooklyn Paper today reports on a bit of property-ganda :

“The developer of a massive new luxury apartment building on the Gowanus Canal is publishing its own neighborhood newspaper that it says is designed to steer the conversation away from the notoriously toxic waterway and towards the area’s arts and nightlife scene.

But some locals believe it is really just propaganda to attract new tenants, and is cashing in on the creative folk whose homes and studios are rapidly being replaced with luxury housing.”

The building at 365 Bond St., where studio apartments start at $2,492, has been selling its 430-unit building on its proximity to the canal, saying it’s “located on the newly created waterfront esplanade park along the Gowanus Canal; they included a photo with people dangling their feet over the notoriously toxic canal. Brokelyn got a sneak peak at an editorial meeting of the paper, named The Gowilla, where we got a preview at the kind of muckraking it will take on. Here are some forthcoming headlines from the paper: (more…)

06/21/16 12:53pm
Quiz! How many roommates can you live with (without killing one of them)?

Can you survive enough roommates to be a cool millennial trend or nah? Take our quiz to find out!

Upon moving into my first two-bedroom apartment off-campus while attending school in Detroit, I was ready to prove to everyone (mostly my mom) that I was responsible enough to take care of myself. I could pay bills and do my own laundry, sure! No, I didn’t have a panic attack the first time I had to buy my own groceries (yes, I did), because little did I know that with having roommates kind of meant having to take care of them, too.

Now at 24, I’m currently in my fourth apartment and have had a total of nine very eccentric roommates over the past four years. I’ve got some stories, man, of roommates dropping acid and spending electric money on indian food, battling mice and possums, waking up in the morning to find someone from a very popular show on Broadway had slept over in my friend’s bed, finding strangers sleeping in my bathtub, etc. The list goes on and on, and in those trying moments of patience, I’ve found myself questioning whether or not these so-called roommates were going to be the death of me. Should I be living alone?  (more…)

06/19/16 2:36pm
Via Flickr's Chris Goldberg.

Via Flickr’s Chris Goldberg.

With grad season coming to a close, we collectively find ourselves rapidly approaching the Season of Dad. But Father’s Day, unlike graduation day, seems to have a surprising lack of ubiquitous traditions. Sure, some people may have the luxury of a miniature fire escape grill, or a handsome Ikea toolbox, but prototypical he-man activities don’t quite scream “dad” the way they did before we moved out of our parent’s basement.

So what’s a non-dad dude or dudette to do this day? Recent adults might just be realizing that their friends may have multiple father figures, may have lost the man who was always there for them, or may have become daddies themselves. How can we collectively traditionalize the Day of Dad so that all can enjoy?

I propose any fellow non-dads reclaim this and every third Sunday of June as “Dads for the Day.” Don’t just celebrate your dad bod, swap your PBR for a Bud Light and roll out to soccer practice with your dad squad! Those half-baked puns locked away in your childlike head? Set them free under the groan-producing guise of dad humor instead. Here’s your guide to dadding out in Brooklyn today. (more…)

06/02/16 10:03am

Brokelyn Last month, Brooklyn’s first permanent cat cafe opened in Brooklyn Heights where you can go snuggle with cats for $5 per half hour/pay $5 to have a historically violent 30-minute allergy attack. Now the Brooklyn Cat Cafe has upped the cute factor by installing a 24/7 kitten cam, which, according to DNAinfo, is focused on five-week-old kittens named Jem, Rumple and Jelly romping around their “kitten terrarium”with mother Grizbella until they’re eight weeks old. Gaze in catatonic wonder at the kitten cam and it’s soothing playfulness, no Claritin required.  (more…)

06/01/16 11:15am
Punderdome the card game: A wordy reason to stay indoors this summer. Photo by Meghan Stephens/Brokelyn.

Punderdome the card game: A wordy reason to stay indoors this summer. Photo by Meghan Stephens/Brokelyn.

Last night, Team Brokelyn joined up with Punderdome at Halyards bar to present a special sneak preview of the hottest card game of the summer: the Punderdome home game. We drank some gin and rummy cocktails, had some laughs, heard from our expert punel featuring John Pollack (author of The Pun Also Rises), Alex Petri (a punner and Washington Post columnist) and Jerzy Gwiazdowski (reigning O. Henry “Punniest of Show” champ) and got to try out the game before it’s on shelves.

Consider it cards against banality in a world where you want to harness the magic the gathering of friends can create. But don’t steal this game (you’ll end up in the pokey, mon! In solitaire confinement, no less): If you’ve got your hearts set on it, you can pre-order it online now or wait for it to come out on June 21 — and Brokelyn will have more copies to give away this summer so stay tuned!  The competition might not phase 10 of your friends, but for the rest it will be war (u no what I mean?) and it’s good for anyone older than cribb age. We gathered a sampling of some of the puns made last night, so if you felt like an asshole for not attending, you can go fish for some ideas of how it works here. Now after all these card game puns I’m going to throw myself off a bridge in Cairo, but hopefully the Egyptian rats crew team will rescue me.  (more…)

05/24/16 11:00am
The struggling Brooklynite's guide to turning your entire life into a performance art piece

Listen, mom, I’m an artist now, okay?

The life of a broke millennial is not particularly glamorous. Maybe you’ve got some service industry job to support your pipe dreams, maybe you just graduated and you’re working some internship that will never pay you, or maybe you work for a start-up and just spend a disproportionate amount of money on rent, bar tabs and Takis. You’re on a track, but from the outside looking in, your life isn’t particularly impressive and your parents are starting to ask questions about what’s “next” for you.

So what do you do? How do you bide your time, appease your family and fend off criticism to continue freely living the life of a Brooklyn 20-something? The answer is simple: Become a performance artist. Or, rather, retroactively declare yourself a performance artist. Ashamed of your choices? Well maybe those aren’t your genuine choices, maybe they’re your artistic choices. Are you undateable or is your singlehood a statement on the illusion of love and society’s need to fill a Freudian void? That’s up to you.

Celebrities have already been doing it for years. Shia LaBeouf rented out a whole movie theater to suggest that his so-so career was an act; Adam Sandler regularly just films his vacations and calls them cinema; Joaquin Phoenix got to try rap without looking dumb! To get you started on your personal rebranding campaign, we’ve got a few sample projects and accompanying customizable placards so that even the philistines know what’s up. (more…)

04/08/16 11:57am

My No. 1 reason for not liking ebooks, in addition to the fact that I HATE TREES (jk), is that I get a lot of my reading recommendations from the subway. It’s my own personal New York Times underground book review, where I can see what new books are trending, which old favorites are making a comeback and just how few people are actually reading City on Fire (the grand total still stands at zero). That also makes me a bit of a creepster on your reading habits I guess. Comedian Scott Rogowsky had some fun with this kind of nosiness, reading a series of absurdly titled books on the subway, including Human Taxidermy: A Beginner’s Guide; 101 Penis Lengthening Tips You Can Do At Home, At the Office or On the Go; and Definitely Not Porn.  (more…)