02/14/17 11:35am

Perhaps you’re finding it hard to feel much in the mood for lurve today, seeing as the state of national politics presently falls somewhere between wilted three-week-old-bodega-flowers and a heart-shaped box full of carob-covered bed bugs and chlamydia. So if you’re not in the mood to make DIY chocolate treats, no one would blame you. Instead you might just want to consider the activity that truly matches what’s in our hearts right now: drinking heavily in a dimly lit dive bar.

Last year, Bushwick’s Bootleg Bar celebrated its second anniversary by releasing a truly amazing and outrageously bonkers retro-style commercial mashing up 80s-style car dealership spots and local TV ads. This year it’s back to celebrate Valentine’s Day with the above video, which it describes as “Eraserhead meets a 1-900 commercial.” It’s disturbing and dark and a little unnerving, making it the perfect video to watch on Valentine’s Day 2017. Damnit, I need a drink already. (more…)

02/08/17 11:39am
This Greenpoint laundromat charges double to wash your filthy Trump clothes

Photo by Tim Donnelly/Brokelyn.

It’s been three months since the election and we’ll still probably never get used to seeing the occasional Make America Great Again hat on the subway. Its presence seems like a glitch or a fleck of dirt on your laptop screen you keep trying to rub away. Greenpoint in particular is not exactly a hotbed of Trump support, but if you do see any Trump-boosting clothing, you can take pleasure in knowing they might be very dirty.

Greenpoint’s joke-loving, pinball-obsessed Sunshine Laundromat has posted the above sign, which I spotted last night, pledging to add a 100 percent surcharge on any laundry containing the Trump name, and donate an equal amount to the American Society for Muslim Advancement. This sign is more joke than threat: it’s doubtful any Trump fans are coming into the pinball speakeasy laundromat in Greenpoint, or if this would actually even be legal (and there are lots of other laundromats nearby anyway). But it’s a further sign of where we’re at as a country: first the bars revolted, then the bodegas took to the streets, then the restaurants took a stand, and now the laundromats are joining in. Nutcracker Salesman Against Trump can’t be far behind.  (more…)

02/03/17 12:27pm
hmmm

Your loss, the rest of the country.

As you know, thousands of Yemeni bodega workers across the city yesterday fed their cats, turned off their coffee pots, shut their gates and went on strike at noon to protest Trump’s Muslim travel ban. The strike and subsequent rally at Borough Hall were met with cheers of solidarity by most New Yorkers. But as New Yorkers asked their Yemini neighbors what they can do to help, the rest of the country was asking: “What the hell is a bodega?”

Twitter users across the country (and some abroad) were stumped when hearing news about the bodega strike yesterday, because they had never heard the word before. Merriam-Webster, better known as the official dictionary of the resistance, reported a spike in people looking up “bodega” yesterday too. We know we’re in our New York bubble here, with our own languages and habits and various ways of telling people to get the f outta here, so let’s take a minute to appreciate the parts of the country that have never known the joy of a store where you can get a hot sandwich, a six-pack, condoms AND mysterious endurance pills at 4am, even during a hurricane. We doubt any of you took your bodega for granted, but you’ll appreciate it even more now.  (more…)

01/19/17 3:12pm

President Obama (god, that feels good) held his last press conference yesterday, and it may be the last of those we have in a while, considering who’s coming in to replace him. Many of us watched glassy-eyed as the POTUS made his final address to the nation last week. Some of us teared up. Some of us broke down. And some of us sang tributes to Obama to the tune of “On my Own” from Les Misérables. 

Or maybe that last one was just Brooklyn-based comedian Marybess Pritchett. In the video above, titled “Please Don’t Go” and sung to the tune of Éponine’s “On My Own,” Pritchett eulogizes Obama and shares her fears for the future after him.

“Without him, the world around me changes/
It’s not fair, get out of there, your house is full of racists!” (more…)

01/09/17 2:13pm
This is how the world ends. This is how the world ends. via Institute for Human Learning

This is how the world ends. This is how the world ends. via Institute for Human Learning

Spoiler alert: The world will come to an end on January 20, 2017. The Mayans may not have predicted this one, but considering we’re just one tweet away from nuclear incineration and the guy with his hand on the keyboard has more enemies than Drake would know what to do with, the end was probably coming soon anyway.

But will it come to NYC, you ask? You bet. Our reputation as a tolerant, progressive-minded city exempt from the kind of hate Trump’s rhetoric incites has long since been sullied, and NYC’s friendly neighborhood GOP is still working from the inside to threaten marginalized groups in our community. Add a stalled cleanup of the Gowanus Canal and funding rollbacks on affordable housing to the pile of federal concerns for health care and women’s rights, and you’ve sure as shit got a local apocalypse. Goodbye, cruel world.

He’s a thought: Before we Brooklynites bid the world adieu, each of us ought to seize the opportunity to do something we never had the guts to do in the borough. You know what we’re talking about— calling bullshit on a gentrifying business, riding the Cyclone with slinkies attached to your chest, taking a big ol’ shit in front of a Starbucks… there any number of Brooklyn fantasies you’ve never dared to play out. Until now.

We’ll help you get started with our own Brokelyn Staff bucket list, and then you can chime in with what you’re planning before the world ends in the comments. Here’s what we’d like to do:  (more…)

12/20/16 12:58pm
We all literally died this year. Via @BrooklynCartoons, one of our favorites from this year.

We all literally died this year. Via @BrooklynCartoons, one of our favorites from this year.

This article appears as part of Brokelyn’s “Year in Review” series, which will continue throughout the week. 

Let’s get pen-sive, because we did a lot of heavy ink-ing over the past 12 months, and we got pretty animated when it came to the election results. We may have not liked the final (Gar)field of candidates, but the whole Clinton Family Circus left us feeling on the Far Side of reality. Sometimes it can feel like we don’t understand people out in the Boondocks of America, but the election sure took a Toles on us here in the cities. Instead of Chast-ising some of our fellow Americans, we have decided Tomine our past posts for year-end content today. Let’s Doonesbury the hatchet and review the Brokelyn year in comics: Some of them will make your woman laugh, some of them will just make your Mankoff. (more…)

12/15/16 11:10am
via Flickr user emma.maria

via Flickr user emma.maria

It was Christmas Eve night down in old Park Slope,
The stockings were hung and they looked pretty dope.
There was a nip in the air, some frost on the ground,
The bodegas stayed open, selling whitefish by the pound.

All the strollers were parked, all the yoga mats rolled,
Elves on Shelves posed for iPhones (that shit’s Facebook gold).
Folks here do all right, if you know what I mean.
They’d left out enough kale chips to turn Santa’s poops green.

But up in her brownstone, Sally Jones sat awake,
With a sense of foreboding she just couldn’t shake.
She’d turned off CNN, closed her browsers with a click,
Then to no one in particular said, “2016 can suck a dick!” (more…)

11/21/16 3:54pm
There are some things you're just going to have to say over and over again. via Madten

There are some things you’re just going to have to say over and over again. via Madten

‘Tis not exactly the season to be jolly — the first of fall and winter’s family-centric holidays has already been marred by this year’s election, the results of which may well have divided your family into pro and anti-Trump camps. And while it’s no doubt as hard to be a Republican in a Democratic family as it is the other way around, in this case we declare that the pendulum of insanity swings only one way.

But the last thing you need at a holiday meal is to get into an argument with a Trump supporter. For one, yelling cuts into turkey time. What’s more, Thanksgiving is a time of erasure. It’s the one time a year when we actively gloss over the bloody history of our once indigenous nation, and gather hands to forget what we did. So,why not do the same with politics? Even if most of your family voted for Hillary, there’s a chance that at least one of the olds at the table didn’t, and the best thing to do is redirect any hints of political conversation to a different topic.

There are plenty of resources on how to talk to pro-Trump family, and there’s definitely an argument for that. But we’re here to tell you how to avoid, avoid, avoid, because that’s also something you might have to do for your own sanity. We’ve put together a condensed guide to topics of conversation you might have to divert, with solutions that are about as neutral as a Jerry Seinfeld routine! Feel free to borrow any of these ideas and get ready to have a peaceful holiday meal with the elephant in the room.  (more…)

11/07/16 11:16am

As the 2016 presidential election draws to a close, your once-serious considerations about moving to Canada are looking less and less necessary every day. Not to jinx anything, but come Wednesday, even I, chief Canuck correspondent of Brokelyn, hope that Canada can once again be relegated to its neutered role as “America’s Hat.”

But just in case you’re still having inklings about a future exodus, here’s a music video making one last bid for you to move to Canada. Written by a Brooklyn-based duo of actors, Noel Carey and Julia Mattison (of Brooklyn Sound) and produced by Dan Crowley (of LIC-based rock band The Hog), the music video parodies the Beach Boys’ “Kokomo” by setting the chorus instead “Canada.”

Soothing late 80s-style crooners in hunting hats and flannel promise “vacation days and health care nights” in a catchy, calming rhythm you’ll recognize right away from your prom days. And as stereotype-heavy as this video is — maple syrup trees, polar bears on cross-country skis — it’s not entirely wrong about the merits of moving to Canada.

“I hear poutine is ootta sight,” for example, is a fair statement to make. As is this other lyric: “Quebec, Regina, don’t grab my vagina.” (more…)

11/04/16 2:28pm
New York's a bummer, but we have solutions. via @huenemejen on IG

New York’s a bummer, but we have solutions. via @huenemejen on IG

Social media has played a bigger role than ever before in the 2016 election cycle, and it follows that we of the voting public have suddenly become adamant about sharing the details from our side of the ballot. The rise of the ‘ballot selfie’ has certainly been one of the more curious runoff issues from this year’s election, and watching three separate petitions to have them allowed in New York get shot down by a judge is equally uncanny.

In practice, yes, ballot selfies are bad. They hold up the voting line, add to the growing landfill of election-themed internet trivium, and seem to compromise the integrity of the democratic process by allowing the Sauron eye of the internet into a judgment-free space (which a curtained voting booth is certainly meant to afford).

But the idea of a ballot selfie is a good one. It’s a less wasteful “I Voted” sticker you can wear proudly on social media, not to mention a handy tool to help you shame those who chose not to vote this year. And Brokelyn is nothing if not the bad influence your mom warned you about, so we’ve compiled a list of sneaky above-the-law alternatives to the ballot selfie you can feel free to use as proof of your vote this coming Tuesday. (more…)