06/18/15 2:50pm
Brokelyn-Resolutions-Summer-Brooklyn

Just think, this could be you this summer if you accomplish your goal. Image via Flickr user Robyn Lee

Forget New Year’s Resolutions, which are all about self-improvement or some such bullshit. Challenge yourself to make a Summer Resolution instead — the year’s already half over so you may as well face the fact that you’re not going to get any smarter, skinnier, or more successful in 2015. Know what you CAN do? Have one hell of a summer. It’s the time for basking in the sun, drinking outdoors, rooftop movies, and watching a puddle of sweat form at your feet while waiting in an underground sauna for a train to whisk you into sweet, sweet, air conditioned paradise. What do you want to accomplish this summer? We here at Brokelyn have started things off with a list of Summer Resolutions of our own, because there’s nothing worse than Labor Day rolling around and realizing you never went on that camping trip. (more…)

05/12/15 10:14am
Salute your jorts, New York.

Salute your jorts, New York. Photo by Mary Dorn.

Our Brokelyn editorials are few and far between; we reserve them for very special issues that demand a hero, a voice for the common brokester. We’ve recently found ourselves in this position again, as there are dark forces amassing, trying to attack one of the very things we as an organization, as people, as damned hard-working Americans hold dear: Summer. Specifically, fellow dudes, your right to wear as few clothes as possible, which is basically as much the point of summer as enjoying deep communion with the ocean in Rockaway or chugging Brooklyn Summer Ale until on your roof until you kill the part of your brain where the word “snow” is stored. Menacing clouds have been gathering out there for several years, made up of (we can safely deduce) khaki-slathered, tie-choked bros in temperature-controlled board rooms, the same people who maliciously decide to start back to school sales in the middle of July: They want to tell you that men should not wear shorts, ever, calling it some affront to good taste and vague notions about what men are “supposed” to do.

Do not listen to these shameful summer traitors: wear your trunks, your board shorts, your jorts and, yes, even your cargo shorts (if you must) proudly. You didn’t fight your way into being an adult to let some stuffy apocryphal notion of masculinity and decorum impugn your rights to enjoy the shit out of summer while we can.  (more…)

05/08/15 9:04am
brokestrologychart

Better hope your sign isn’t bedbugs. Illustrations by Shaylyn Berlew

Astrology is a pretty divisive subject: some think it’s just a bunch of hooey, and others swear by it. But it’s not just about your daily horoscope! The zodiac is made up of twelve signs, each with their own characteristics. And those twelve signs are grouped by the four elements: fire, air, water and earth. Still with us? Good.

So the zodiac is predictive text; like auto-correct, but for the soul. Daily horoscopes may not always be spot-on, but having a general understanding of the habits or traits that govern your astrological sign can explain a lot. Like how if you’re a water sign, you’re always having all the feels. And now, two of our star-savvy writers have tailored the zodiac to our very own borough, giving you recognizable landmarks for all the things you probably do. Recognize yourself in your sign? Let us know in the comments section!  (more…)

05/05/15 9:54am
bill de blasio subway

You’re in for a wait. Hope you brought a magazine. via Facebook

Mayors: they’re just like us! Or at least Mayor Tall was yesterday, in the sense that he relied on the subway to get to an important engagement and was late because of it. We wouldn’t know this except that the mayor accidentally copied the New York Times on an angry email to his staff where he complained about that, “We waited 20 mins for an express only to hear there were major delays.”

While I’m usually one to point and laugh at something like this, I’m somewhat of an expert at going down into the subway with no time allotted for a delay, hoping against all reason the trains won’t be delayed, and then of course being late. I’ve developed some coping mechanisms while waiting for the train that I’ll gladly share with the mayor so that the next time the subway screws him over, he’ll be less of a big tall stress ball. (more…)

04/03/15 9:44am

I will bring bros into your neighborhoods tomorrow. They will cover the face of the ground so that it cannot be seen. via Funnyjunk

It’s that time of year all you just-in-it-for-the-bragging-rights Jews have been waiting for: Passover! A time when yentas and gentiles alike gather to celebrate freedom, resilience and the gift of life. Also to remember that time that God laid down his wrath on the Egyptians over and over and over again until he freed the Jews. Of course, these days you might not be afraid of things like frogs, thunderstorms or darkness (you’ve got a flashlight on your iPhone, after all). So, in honor of the holiday we decided to update The Ten Plagues to get a look at what we might be dealing with if we ever have to face God’s judgement. Enjoy the chill these BK-specific horrors send down your spine, and happy Passover! (more…)

03/24/15 10:25am
need we say more than "Off The Grid But Still Stealing Cable Stout"

Need we say more than “Off The Grid But Still Stealing Cable Stout?” Via SB Nation.

Ah, craft beer, the poor man’s drink Olympics. With over 4,500 craft breweries scattered around the country—and that’s just the ones with wholesale accounts—it’s hard to imagine why USA Today’s blog For the Win said they were “attempting to determine which of the [craft] breweries in America is the greatest.” By user voting, no less. Just this morning, they posted a new bracket showing they’d narrowed it down to sixteen breweries. Hey, feel free to cast your vote, but we’ve had enough of the beeriarchy. In fact, we much prefer this absurd beer bracket by Jon Bois and Spencer Hall over at SB Nation, which pits beers like “Reddist Sexist Upvote Dog Porter” against “Something about a Fucking Ship.” (more…)

02/19/15 3:34pm

Ever wonder what would happen if that polite male subway automaton stopped politely asking you to “offer your seat” and report “suspicious packages” and started getting real? You no longer have to, thanks to this video of a re-imagined morning commute, where the subway voice goes from gently advocating basic human courtesy to haranguing passengers for everything from their eco-consciousness to their choice in pets.

Whether you relate more to the woman drinking a Starbucks latte or the guy who’s just offended that anyone would prefer dogs over cats, there’s something in this video for every straphanger. That said, let’s not let this good-natured laugh at ourselves make us forget about all the stuff the MTA is doing wrong. Keep those pitchforks held high, folks. (more…)

12/02/14 2:09pm
knicks nets

Carmelo Anthony and Deron Williams both come to the realization that they have to play this game

Coming into their second matchup tonight, the Knicks and Nets are bad in all sorts of ways. Despite having the two highest paid “Big Three” combos in basketball, they’re a combined 10-23, each team only has one win against a team with a winning record and they play the kind of basketball only a blind person could love.

Given the sad state of affairs of this “rivalry,” is there anything worse you can do with your time than watch $200 million worth of disappointment battle for fourth place in the Atlantic Division? We’ll leave that up to you with our “Would Your Rather: Knicks vs. Nets” edition. (more…)

08/25/14 8:24am
A Times editor ponders the best cultural reference to insert into a story about Brooklyn

A Times editor ponders the best cultural reference to insert into a story about Brooklyn

In 1883, the Brooklyn Bridge opened, in 1898 Brooklyn was incorporated into New York City, in 2012 the Nets came to Brooklyn and in April of that year borough’s first artisanal mayonnaise store finally opened. But none of those matter because the real marker of a new era of Brooklyn came two years ago when HBO dropped Girls into the world. At least that’s according to the New York Times, who have found the need to use the show as the defining cultural benchmark of modern Brooklyn, in stories about abusive landlords, political intrigue, bar reviews and last week’s story on middle class newcomers being priced out of Brooklyn. Despite the fact that Girls has only existed for 29 months, the show has popped up in 15 articles the Times has written about Brooklyn, proving that you can’t spell Brooklyn without G-I-R-L-S. (more…)

06/09/14 9:47am
summer reading

Kind of like this, but at a much louder, more crowded beach. via Flickr user Haceme un 14

Yep, it’s the season for beach reads and summer reading lists. We may be stuck in our cubicles but our minds are on a tropical island somewhere, Singapore Sling in one hand and sexy summah romance novel in the other. Or if you’re like me, you’re in the shaded backyard of a bar hoping that cute girl drinking a beer one the table over there will inquire about your Norton Critical Edition of Don Quixote (the Ormsby translation, naturally) and reveal that she’s a learned scholar in all things Cervantes and would certainly love to get together for drinks and talk about 17th century European literature how’s Tuesday sound perfect here’s my number.

So what’s the rest of team Brokelyn reading this summah? (more…)