Come hear one-armed, drunken porn stars with cankles tell of abucting babies and peeling off on their giant getaway vibrators! No wonder everyone’s all edgy.

Until you start your own Tea Lounge, remember that the Park Slope cafe has regular Tuesday night free Skillshare events every month, and tonight’s is one of particular interest to some of you. Tonight’s class is called How to Run a Business As an Artist, and is hosted by Yoshie Okabayashi of ramenandfriends.com, who teaches classes on business skills for artists at the Brooklyn Brainery. And if you don’t think “art” and “business” are ever supposed to meet, we’d like to visit the magical pixieland you live in to taste some of those gumdrop plants and walk down the rainbow boulevard.

Ye olde departed Court Street Tea Lounge. Coming soon to Ohio? Photo via NYMag

Brooklynites of even a few years’ vintage will remember the halcyon days of the Tea Lounge empire, when as many as three outposts of the popular cafe dotted the borough. Yet the cruel winds of economic downturn and real estate forced the branches to close, leaving just the famed cavernous Union Street location in Park Slope. It’s a staple to Slope culture, including local freelancers, musicians and babies that need a place to eat from breasts (hence the nickname “Teat Lounge,” in case you’re new to town). Now the cafe is looking to get into the real money: nationwide franchising! It’s not exactly going to be the next Dunkin Donuts: Fucked in Park Slope interviewed Lounge owner Jonathan Spiel, who said: “We’re selling the concept of community.” FiPS muses some more on whether you can package and export “community” around the world like so much artisanal mayo, but one commenter sums up many feelings about it: “Will you get Baby Shit Dust to sprinkle all over your new Tea Lounge Franchise like the original? Those couches at Tea Lounge? all full of baby shit.” (more…)

From today’s Featured Rental Steals: a 4BR apartment in Prospect Heights for $2,450. There was some commenter debate on a previous cheap apartments post on what actually is affordable in BK these days, but at just over $600 a bedroom, there’s not much to argue about here. Especially when you get:  (more…)

Here’s the official description of the annual Sakura Matsuri festival at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden tomorrow and Sunday, once known as the cherry blossom fest:

Note there’s no mention of cherry blossoms. That’s because they’re already spent, owing to the early spring’s freakishly warm weather, which late spring’s seasonally cool clime apparently couldn’t undo. Here’s the CherryWatch Blossom Status Map from the BBG, which reveals that the flowers have come and gone faster than this chick. Fine by us, because we’re just going for the Anime standup comedy anyway. Browse the fest’s impressively jam-packed schedule here. Not on it: BK celebrity sightings. Last year we saw Maggie Gyllenhaal.

That's a lot of mayo.

Have you ever looked at that boring ol’ jar of Hellman’s and thought it was just too cheap to possibly be any good? Far be it for Brooklyn to leave no stone un-twee-ified: An artisinal mayonnaise shop called Empire Mayonnaise opened this past weekend at 564 Vanderbilt Ave. in Prospect Heights, The Brooklyn Ink reports. Flavors include Smoked Paprika, Walnut, Lime Pickle, Safron, Vadouvan, and, of course, Bacon. It’ll cost you $6 for a 4-oz. jar of egg yolks and vinegar, if that’s your sort of thing. Though I’ll be honest: ever since this scene in Undercover Brother (skip to 2:25), the thought of eating mayonnaise makes me gag more than a little.

In today’s now-inevitable big media story about those wacky liberals in Park Slope, Fox News reporter / Tea Party conservative Todd Starnes moves to the neighborhood and orders bacon cheeseburger at “radical vegetarian” restaurant for a thus far unfunny fish-out-of-water video series. What exactly is a “radical vegetarian” anyway? Even more confounding, what does he mean, “You can tell by the way I hold onto my bowels that I’m not from around these parts?” Are radical vegetarians so radical they crap on the sidewalk? That would be radical. Anyone?

Have you seen him at Tea Lounge? Click photo for video link.

City Rant: Living among liberals: MyFoxNY.com

In case you missed it from last night, because you were too busy considering a two-shelf solution to the Park Slope Food Coop’s Israeli products crisis. This video was made before the vote last night, where coop members decided not to boycott the products (or not to vote to boycott the products, whatever).

Via The Daily Show. (more…)

Dao-Palate doesn't skimp on presentation.

On one sunny morning recently, I was laid off. After the initial shock wore off and I figured out how to apply for unemployment, I decided to make the best of it. My first move: taking advantage of late-night inspiration. I’m an industrial designer, and like lots of creative people, my most productive stretch is from evening to the wee hours, so that’s when I work on my resume and portfolio. Waking up around 11 works out well, because while I can’t afford dinner prices at the trendy new places, I can still swing a $12 lunch. Here are some of my favorite new lunch haunts around Fort Greene, Clinton Hill and Prospect Heights. What are yours? (more…)

Just a typical night at Karaoke Killed the Cat.

For those of you who grew up in Park Slope (“The Slope”) and are recent members of the over 21 club you’ll remember Union Hall, established in 2006, as the bar that never took your fake ID. Years later, chock full of legality you’re now broke and ready to mingle. Tucked in the heart of The Slope at 702 Union St., Union Hall has hearty leather chairs, walls covered with fully loaded bookshelves and age old portraits. It has something for everyone — even those with little cash to spare. With Park Slope real estate prices soaring and Fifth Avenue bar specials dwindling, the cheap and free events at Union Hall are a go-to for any day of the week. Here are a few of our favorite free events to watch for. (more…)