07/20/12 7:00am

So your ex-boyfriend is coming to visit you in Brooklyn for a two-week trial period to “see if he could see himself actually living here” and while you believe it’s impossible to for him to really know in such a short, pressure-cooker of a visit, you miss him and you want him to move here, so you’re entertaining the idea that this trip could seal the deal.

You two dated three years — two spent together in New Orleans, one apart when you moved to New York — until the distance became too much and you had to break up. But it turns out you still care about each other and most of your problems resulted from being apart. You both are working off the premise he’s just not that into New York, but definitely still into you. So what makes up the perfect sales pitch?  (more…)

07/11/12 11:28am

Conal, Dave, Tim, Kenji and Eric are standing by waiting for your call. Seriously, they’re just sitting there, looking for something to do.

Greetings unsatisfied Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts of Brownstone Brooklyn! Thanks to Amy Sohn’s post in The Awl yesterday, we know you’ve got needs that defy your age, the desire to be young and dumb and free, to chug (boxed) cabernet while bad-mouthing your spouses, to scream from rooftops down at the idle masses living their cookie-cutter lives like some tight-jeans wearing loft dweller. We’ve heard your pleas in your books and blog posts and those longing looks you give us as you show off your recently reduced tits across the bar, and we are here to help!

Stop wasting your time chasing that DILF down the street. You deserve to truly regress, not go for the Key Food-brand almost-good-enough version. That’s why you should instead choose to spend your post-40 dalliance with one of our certified Brokelyn boys! Guaranteed to offer you the grittiest depiction of carefree life in your late 20s and early 30s. Leave the toddler at home, ladies, because this Bushwick DIY venue may have a water slide but it is definitely not family friendly. If you think your life is like Girls now … we’ll have to take your word for it, because none of us can afford HBO. (more…)

05/24/12 2:45am

Normally $50, the "3D sleeve spiral" is just $36 today on Fab.com.

There is no wick in this "3D Pile" buzzer.

Much has been written lately about the upscaling of the vibrator market, but these things are just cray. Check out Fab.com’s whack “grown-up gadget” sale for all kinds of NSFW shit we have no idea how to use. UPDATE: OK, apparently these are “masturbation sleeves,” which we had to Google. Anyone use one?

Or so the registration numbers for the Singles Social Sports league — which is exactly what it sounds like — would say. The registration for the McCarren-Park-based 1/2 dude, 1/2 lady sports teams closes Friday (April 27), so jump on it if you’re into this sort of thing. It costs about $100 to register for each, but no word if you’re guaranteed to score. [via Greenpointers]

04/11/12 11:52am

People you might meet at an IvyDate party, from their Facebook page.

When your gene pool says Winklevoss but your wallet says feed me, how can you stay afloat in your social milieu? You’ll have to teach tennis this summer or start breeding Irish Setters because there are no more discounts available to join IvyDate, a matchmaking service founded by two Harvard B-school alums. DailyCandy has been offering $500 annual IvyDate memberships for 60 percent off, but the deal has apparently sold out. So what is this IvyDate anyway?

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02/15/12 7:30am

Jason and his fridge-sex-nymph. But seriously, can't he just have his pants back already??

Get ready for a new crop of teenagers to covet your lifestyle, Brokelynites. After a whole mess of promotional buzz and Jersey Shore interruptions, MTV’s new stab at a scripted series I Just Want My Pants Back premiered last Thursday. The Williamsburg/Greenpoint-based series follows a pack of post-grads with Diablo Cody-style rapport who soothe the crappiness of being broke and hating their jobs with substances and sex. Sounds familiar enough, and yes, sex is a great (and arguably free) form of recreation, but who is having this much of it? I thought everyone else living in Brooklyn was as lonely and involuntarily celibate as I am …  (more…)

02/14/12 5:16pm

You spent all your money on THAT? Pic via Reddit

How much money did you start today with? How much will you have by the time this ewwy gooey lurve fest is over? If you’re an average New Yorker, you’ll have dropped $146.30 on Valentine’s Day this year, according to a study from the National Retail Federation. That includes the $22.71 you’ll be spending on candy and $38.65 on flowers, with the rest, we assume, going to your White Castle dinner date and that big 99 cent lube shopping trip. Seems like too much money to be dropping on a fake holiday that’s made up by blah blah corporations blah blah Hallmark, especially when you consider what else that money could buy. Team Brokelyn has some recommendations on better ways to spend today: (more…)

02/07/12 10:06am

Bike date, anyone?

Just in time for the worst holiday of all time, the folks at L Magazine have compiled a list of 18 Brooklyn Dates: One For Every Conceivable Dating Scenario. Among these suggested evenings of passion are The Art Date (hit up some art galleries and toss back some PBRs), The Roof Date (WINE ON THA ROOF!), The Let’s Make Dinner Date, which honestly, this lady loves going on solo too, and, on that note, The Treat-Yourself Date for the Single Person, which includes a visit to my absolute favorite heart-break therapy spot, Buffalo Exchange.

What L Magazine refers to as “The Broke Date” is right up this Brokelynite’s alley and includes a free Saturday tour at the Brooklyn Brewery, cheap Mexican eats at Tortilleria Mexicana Los Hermanos in Bushwick and finishes with a cozy beerfest (or winefest) on the couch. So no more excuses, dudes; who says Valentine’s Day has to be extravagant?

For the full list of 18 proposed dates, head over to L Magazine.

02/02/12 4:32pm

Attn all the single ladies (and, uh, dudes).

Brooklyn, we work hard. TOO hard, apparently, to get sumpin’ sumpin’ on the side. The Daily News this week looked at newly released Census data that seem to indicate all of us busy ass hustlers in the borough are too focused on paying rent to worry about getting your romantic life in order. The paper quoted experts who said Brooklyn’s socioeconomic diversity means these results are not surprising. “They are beginning their careers and postponing marriage,” CUNY sociologist Richard Alba told the News.“They tend to concentrate in the same neighborhoods,” which means Williamsburg, Greenpoint and Bushwick, the area that has the most balanced cluster of both single men and women. Hm, not really surprising. Editorial comment below.  (more…)

02/01/12 9:56am

Judge a connection by its cover. Illustration by Sophie Blackall.

We’re all well acquainted with Craigslist Missed Connections, but how many of us actually check them? Or expect to see our lost mate in person again? This is especially true on the subway, where our passions can be derailed (scary pun not intended) by the frenzy of rush hour or an ill-timed transfer. The New York Transit Museum in Brooklyn is having a FREE Missed Connections Valentine’s Day Party on Feb. 14. Not only will your soul mate potentially be present, but New York Times writer Alan Feuer will also read some of the best Craigslist Missed Connections and illustrator Sophie Blackall will sign copies of her book, Missed Connections: Love, Lost & Found . Don’t forget about the beer provided by Brooklyn Brewery! Those retro subway cars at the museum are prime make-out spots, and the old turnstiles have lots of potential for flirty hand touching when you and your crush pretend to insert tokens (more…)