02/14/17 4:59pm
Via @BrooklynCartoons on Instagram.

Via @BrooklynCartoons on Instagram.

What’s the state of Brooklyn dating in 2017? These reports today give us a pretty good snapshot of where you’re banging, who you’re banging and how far you’re willing to travel for it:

All about the Bush: Bushwick Daily surveyed 350 neighborhood residents to get the lowdown on their downlow and dirty sex habits. It turns out, 47 percent of responders were single and 27 percent have had sex in a bar bathroom. Plus there’s lots of sticky details about fingerbanging in a warehouse party and smashing (more that avocados) in the Hana food market, with juicy quotes such as:

“I have slept with a lot of Manhattan men, but Bushwick men have better beards anyway, and what a girl wouldn’t want that extra fluff around her vagina.” (more…)

07/25/16 3:41pm
Life is a grind. Via Craigslist.

Life is a grind. Via Craigslist.

Maybe you’re about to dump someone but it’s their birthday and you feel bad. So you, a true gentlebro for the ages, decide to buy her a Vitamix blender — and what a nice blender it is! — as a parting gift. This is a terrible idea, as evidenced in this Craigslist ad a Brooklyn woman posted a few days ago, in which she absolutely frappes, shreds, purees and ice crushes the corporate lawyer who did this to her. It opens with the caveat “never date a corporate lawyer” and goes on to include tidbits like this:

“He clearly wants to break up, but makes you do it. It’s the day after your birthday. A few days later, this Vitamix arrives at your door. Either he wants you back, or he does not understand the human species.” (more…)

07/06/16 11:48am

It is a matter of fact that the only decent non-Onion parody websites are Reductress, The Hard Times and Breitbart.com. While Reductress spoofs women’s magazines and Breitbart publishes bonkers fake headlines no one would actually believe like “Big Bang Actress Takes Heat for July 4th Photo of Dogs Sitting on American Flag,” the Hard Times is all about fake news that slam dances into the punk, hardcore, headbanging side of our heart. Headline highlights of late include: “Neftock, Master of Darkness, Agrees to Cover Shift at 7-11” and “Local Punk Would Like to Direct Your Attention to Even Bigger Tragedy.”

The site, which was founded by two West Coast writers and comedians, yesterday released one of its first videos and it’s a funny look at punk speed dating (and basically, dating in New York overall). It was filmed right here in Brooklyn at heavy metal dive Saint Vitus in Greenpoint, with external shots at Angry Wade’s in Carroll Gardens. You may want to make sure you’re vaccinated before watching.   (more…)

02/06/15 10:01am

It’s been fun, but…  All photos by Jeni Magana

We all know what it is to wake up next to someone the morning after getting down, see them lying there, and panic. Regardless of whether the person sharing the bed is a familiar face or a total stranger, a winter-warmer or a one-night stand, it’s safe to say that we’re always faced with the same decision: should we “ghost” outta there, or stick around until they wake up?

If you’re suddenly getting images of a partially-nude Patrick Swayze, let us clarify the term (hint: you’re not entirely off-base). “Ghosting” is the Brokelyn-approved slang for fleeing the scene of a sexual encounter the following morning, leaving no trace of your presence from the night before. Straightforward enough, right? The thing is, not all of us agree about whether the sleek, cat-like disappearance of a sexual partner is a good or bad tactic to employ. In fact, two of our resident writers land at opposite poles on the topic. Here, Gabby “The Vapor” Westfield and Sam “The Billboard” Corbin go head to head to defend their morning-after techniques. Whose side of the bed are YOU on? (more…)

04/29/13 10:52am
Try doing this on any other line. via The Brooklyn Paper

Try doing this on any other line. via The Brooklyn Paper

Look, we all like to goof on the G train and how the approximate wait time for one is “eons” and how it’s always split into two because the MTA hates it and Brooklyn. You can’t blame the G train for everything though, like getting in the way of your lousy romantic choices, yet that’s exactly what a bunch of people whining to DNAInfo did this morning. Shut up, you babies, the G train isn’t killing your love life. (more…)

01/25/13 10:16am
Ladies clamored for the limited dude selection at the BK Meat Up in 2009. Photo by Mark Sullivan Bernal.

Ladies clamored for the limited dude selection at the BK Meat Up in 2009. Photo by Mark Sullivan Bernal.

Not to be a Dennis Downer, but it probably sucks to be a single lady in New York City, especially of the attractive, driven, smart type, which, last I checked, is like 85 percent of yous. You outnumber dudes, so you are forced to hit on whatever human mackerel you find swimming around at Lucky Dog or whathaveyou. Not to mention that Adam, once he went all stalkery and creepo, instantly became the most realistic character on Girls. I have seen that inky stare of desperation across too many faces, even including one that was being dragged away by the cops in practically the same situation (LEAVE MY LIFE OUT OF THIS, LENA). A lot of you make more money than us and are willing to pick up the check, yet still my lady friends can’t seem to find even a simple winter’s bone.

But the sad truth is that we, the dudes of Brooklyn, the broliteriate, if you will, are apparently not helping the situation at all. I present exhibits A through Z: Every single time there’s some sort of singles event/date-off/sexy party, the place is overflowing with ladies, and not just any ladies, but babes, cute girls with food blogs, light brown hair and quirky skirts or tall ones with stylish glasses and a hopeful smile who can’t help but bite the side of their lip out of nervousness. Take, for example, the Literary Speed Dating our friend Jo Firestone is hosting at Housing Works on the day before Valentine’s day. She’s got binders full of women, and practically no men, so much so that there is now a freaking discount for straight guys. What gives, bros?  (more…)

11/12/12 7:00am

The couple that Snuggies together…breaks up when it gets nice out. via Facebook

As the days grow shorter and we begin to enter our own Fortresses of Solitude, there’s a primal drive awakening among us single folk. Just as squirrels furiously scramble to store their nuts for winter, many singles are furiously scrambling to…uh, get their nuts taken care of, too. And the best way is with a winter girlfriend (or boyfriend!).

This someone to hunker down with for hours upon hours of cooking at home, an entire season of Walking Dead, and never-get-out-of-bed sex during snowstorms. A winter relationship is probably the only relationship that doesn’t cost more when you’re in it, because you literally do nothing. And what happens after winter? Well, that’s up to you, but generally, once spring and skimpy clothing come back around, one or both parties will realize how little they have in common beyond a mutual understanding of Peggy Olson’s character arc.


11/05/12 4:20pm

Was this you this weekend? via Good Housekeeping

Haven’t volunteered yet? Why not? We’ve heard the Park Slope Armory is best place to find a date. Or maybe try St. Francis Church, where one media coordinator puts the “Belle” in Bell Harbor. Or Brooklyn Tech, where a do-gooder named Dylan has the kindest eyes of all time.

Apparently, pitching in puts some people in the mood for another kind of relief altogether. Witness the rise of the Sandy volunteer missed connections on Craigslist:  (more…)

10/18/12 3:05pm

This is why you’re sad. via Too Many Kisses

Attention nerds: while we know you voluntarily waited to have sex until you were 20 (you had to fend the women off with a stick while playing Warcraft, obvs), you actually made the right decision because a new study in the journal Psychological Science  finds that people who waited until they were 20 to have sex are “less dissatisfied” in long-term relationships. (more…)

08/09/12 1:00pm

Free pleasure knows no age. Photos from the Flatiron vibrator cart by Timothy Krause.

Only in New York City would people complain about not being able to get their free vibrators fast enough. The Trojan vibrator giveaway yesterday turned into a bit of a buzz (sorry) kill when the city shut down the fun at the Flatiron location, causing a lot of gripes among people who had waited in line (aka a “Premature Finish,” thank you NY Post). We called Trojan HQ this morning to check if they were going to continue the giveaway today as planned: a rep told us the event will continue today “for sure,” but the company is trying to figure out exactly where it can operate. She said Trojan would update the Facebook page with new times sometime this morning, which we will post here when it comes (sorry) out. UPDATE: You can get your free vibrators from 5-7pm at Ninth Avenue and 14th Street (they’ve got a permit this time!). Let’s review some of the sights and sounds of a city frustrated by lack of adequate free sex toys yesterday, shall we? (more…)