Try doing this on any other line. via The Brooklyn Paper

Look, we all like to goof on the G train and how the approximate wait time for one is “eons” and how it’s always split into two because the MTA hates it and Brooklyn. You can’t blame the G train for everything though, like getting in the way of your lousy romantic choices, yet that’s exactly what a bunch of people whining to DNAInfo did this morning. Shut up, you babies, the G train isn’t killing your love life. (more…)

Ladies clamored for the limited dude selection at the BK Meat Up in 2009. Photo by Mark Sullivan Bernal.

Not to be a Dennis Downer, but it probably sucks to be a single lady in New York City, especially of the attractive, driven, smart type, which, last I checked, is like 85 percent of yous. You outnumber dudes, so you are forced to hit on whatever human mackerel you find swimming around at Lucky Dog or whathaveyou. Not to mention that Adam, once he went all stalkery and creepo, instantly became the most realistic character on Girls. I have seen that inky stare of desperation across too many faces, even including one that was being dragged away by the cops in practically the same situation (LEAVE MY LIFE OUT OF THIS, LENA). A lot of you make more money than us and are willing to pick up the check, yet still my lady friends can’t seem to find even a simple winter’s bone.

But the sad truth is that we, the dudes of Brooklyn, the broliteriate, if you will, are apparently not helping the situation at all. I present exhibits A through Z: Every single time there’s some sort of singles event/date-off/sexy party, the place is overflowing with ladies, and not just any ladies, but babes, cute girls with food blogs, light brown hair and quirky skirts or tall ones with stylish glasses and a hopeful smile who can’t help but bite the side of their lip out of nervousness. Take, for example, the Literary Speed Dating our friend Jo Firestone is hosting at Housing Works on the day before Valentine’s day. She’s got binders full of women, and practically no men, so much so that there is now a freaking discount for straight guys. What gives, bros?  (more…)

The couple that Snuggies together…breaks up when it gets nice out. via Facebook

As the days grow shorter and we begin to enter our own Fortresses of Solitude, there’s a primal drive awakening among us single folk. Just as squirrels furiously scramble to store their nuts for winter, many singles are furiously scrambling to…uh, get their nuts taken care of, too. And the best way is with a winter girlfriend (or boyfriend!).

This someone to hunker down with for hours upon hours of cooking at home, an entire season of Walking Dead, and never-get-out-of-bed sex during snowstorms. A winter relationship is probably the only relationship that doesn’t cost more when you’re in it, because you literally do nothing. And what happens after winter? Well, that’s up to you, but generally, once spring and skimpy clothing come back around, one or both parties will realize how little they have in common beyond a mutual understanding of Peggy Olson’s character arc.

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Was this you this weekend? via Good Housekeeping

Haven’t volunteered yet? Why not? We’ve heard the Park Slope Armory is best place to find a date. Or maybe try St. Francis Church, where one media coordinator puts the “Belle” in Bell Harbor. Or Brooklyn Tech, where a do-gooder named Dylan has the kindest eyes of all time.

Apparently, pitching in puts some people in the mood for another kind of relief altogether. Witness the rise of the Sandy volunteer missed connections on Craigslist:  (more…)

Well hell, it worked for her. via It’s Not a Match

Ever wondered why the Kardashians are so successful? It may be because momager Kris Jenner flirted her way to the top. A new study done by Laura Kray, a business professor at the University of California Berkley, found that women who flirt are better negotiators than their less charming co-workers because flirting is accompanied by confidence, which is an essential tool for negotiations. (more…)

This is why you’re sad. via Too Many Kisses

Attention nerds: while we know you voluntarily waited to have sex until you were 20 (you had to fend the women off with a stick while playing Warcraft, obvs), you actually made the right decision because a new study in the journal Psychological Science  finds that people who waited until they were 20 to have sex are “less dissatisfied” in long-term relationships. (more…)

Free pleasure knows no age. Photos from the Flatiron vibrator cart by Timothy Krause.

Only in New York City would people complain about not being able to get their free vibrators fast enough. The Trojan vibrator giveaway yesterday turned into a bit of a buzz (sorry) kill when the city shut down the fun at the Flatiron location, causing a lot of gripes among people who had waited in line (aka a “Premature Finish,” thank you NY Post). We called Trojan HQ this morning to check if they were going to continue the giveaway today as planned: a rep told us the event will continue today “for sure,” but the company is trying to figure out exactly where it can operate. She said Trojan would update the Facebook page with new times sometime this morning, which we will post here when it comes (sorry) out. UPDATE: You can get your free vibrators from 5-7pm at Ninth Avenue and 14th Street (they’ve got a permit this time!). Let’s review some of the sights and sounds of a city frustrated by lack of adequate free sex toys yesterday, shall we? (more…)

Fifty Shades cupcakes. Tres Brooklyn. Photo courtesy of Bake That and Party via Flickr.

Are you one of the millions of women who had no idea how boring missionary is before succumbing to the Fifty Shades cult of BDSM curiosity? If you are looking for ways to kink up your love life (and avoid slipping into the “40-year-old Regression“) head over to Babeland in the Slope this Sunday (Aug. 5), for “Fifty Shades of Hot Sex” free brunch workshop. First 15 to arrive get a “Mr. Grey approved” pleasure package (likely filled with Vagina Balls).  (more…)

So your ex-boyfriend is coming to visit you in Brooklyn for a two-week trial period to “see if he could see himself actually living here” and while you believe it’s impossible to for him to really know in such a short, pressure-cooker of a visit, you miss him and you want him to move here, so you’re entertaining the idea that this trip could seal the deal.

You two dated three years — two spent together in New Orleans, one apart when you moved to New York — until the distance became too much and you had to break up. But it turns out you still care about each other and most of your problems resulted from being apart. You both are working off the premise he’s just not that into New York, but definitely still into you. So what makes up the perfect sales pitch?  (more…)

Conal, Dave, Tim, Kenji and Eric are standing by waiting for your call. Seriously, they’re just sitting there, looking for something to do.

Greetings unsatisfied Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts of Brownstone Brooklyn! Thanks to Amy Sohn’s post in The Awl yesterday, we know you’ve got needs that defy your age, the desire to be young and dumb and free, to chug (boxed) cabernet while bad-mouthing your spouses, to scream from rooftops down at the idle masses living their cookie-cutter lives like some tight-jeans wearing loft dweller. We’ve heard your pleas in your books and blog posts and those longing looks you give us as you show off your recently reduced tits across the bar, and we are here to help!

Stop wasting your time chasing that DILF down the street. You deserve to truly regress, not go for the Key Food-brand almost-good-enough version. That’s why you should instead choose to spend your post-40 dalliance with one of our certified Brokelyn boys! Guaranteed to offer you the grittiest depiction of carefree life in your late 20s and early 30s. Leave the toddler at home, ladies, because this Bushwick DIY venue may have a water slide but it is definitely not family friendly. If you think your life is like Girls now … we’ll have to take your word for it, because none of us can afford HBO. (more…)