Mmm, snowman tree sex. The best. Photo via The Rooster

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when Brooklynites are forced indoors by inclement weather they must be in want of more sex. There’s no arguing with the fact that being snowed in makes for quality cuddle-time, but some people really make fools of themselves on the internet attempting to seduce a warm body into their bed before the storm starts. But hey, “blizzard sex?” is almost as good a pickup line as “I have snacks” in our books, so use it when you can, we ‘spose.

Since the Craigslist casual encounters section is a dark place full of lonely souls and the worst kind of Chat Roulette users, we combed it for you to find the best listings for your reading pleasure sans all male genitalia.

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Birds, bees, and motorcycles, folks, because Brooklyn is the heartland and nothing says spring like a Harley. It’s unclear how the desire for a man and a motorcycle are correlated with the blizzard, but we’ll take your best guesses in the comments.

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How do you watch Netflix AND the snow, at the same time? This “totally adorable white dude” has very high attention span expectations for his cuddle buddy. Also, Clueless isn’t on Netflix, we checked.

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This is clearly the same person, only their desire for blizzard cuddles has become CRITICAL. “Totally adorable white dude” did not lower his expectations for his cuddle buddy in this more urgent follow up post, however, so props for having standards against the odds.

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This was posted under “men seeking women“. Is asking someone to shovel your snow the new hip lingo? What does this mean? Is it actually Spanish? We have no idea. Please, if you’re into this new hetero trend, let us know in the comments.

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Now, snow sexting sounds just dandy if you’re stuck in, say, your heated apartment under lots of blankets and surrounded by snacks. If you’re actually stuck in the snow, though, whether it be because you attempted to use public transit today (bad plan) or your car broke down (why are you in a car this is NYC) or you’re physically stuck outside under a snow pile, it seems like a horrible addition to your anxiety and a bad use of time in a potentially life-threatening situation. We hope BingBangBoom00 calls 911 for any sexters who are trapped beneath a snowdrift.

How many of these casual encounter posts were successful? Let’s see how many babies born later this year are named Stella (as of 2015, the name was the 51st most popular female baby name in the US, according to the Social Security Administration). Time will tell.

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