Captain Crook: Man attempts Bensonhurst robbery with a sword

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Police sketch of the suspect

Look, we don’t want to parrot the idea that crime is about to go back to numbers we saw in the 80s in #deblasiosnewyork. It’s just a silly idea coming from a galley of opportunists and scallawags who tried to make paranoia and dog whistle racism a plank of their electoral appeal. Of course, that doesn’t mean we’re always going to be floating on an ocean of calm, this is a big city after all, with a rogues’ gallery of people looking to do wrong. Like the lunatic who broke into a Bensonhurst home this weekend looking for booty, while armed with a sword. It’s just so sad to see another young person hooked by the aura of the pirate’s life.

The Brooklyn Paper had the tale of the would-be Dread Pirate Roberts, who apparently broke into an apartment on 73rd Street to dig around, only to be confronted with the homeowner. The thief was able to get away before the homeowner could deck him, but the privateer was nabbed by the cops before he could put his anchor down in a safe port, and will now presumably be shipped off to jail. And just in case the lesson of this story has sailed over your head, let us give you some treasured advice: keep your piracy on the internet, where no one can see you do it.