In case you haven’t noticed, the city is filled with a lot of rich people, many of whom are perhaps far savvier businessmen and women than we oft-unemployed Me-Me-Me Millennials. And, as oft-unemployed Me-Me-Me Millennials, we welcome their financial advice (well, maybe not these guys’ advice), encouragement and any other well-intentioned helping hand. But isn’t there a better way to help us out than with a tongue-in-cheek free subscription to Bloomberg Businessweek, complete with snarky little notes to remind us of what economic wastes we all are?
In what appears to be a marketing ploy to get new readers hooked on Businessweek’s scintillating exposes on Egg McMuffins, the magazine is offering online gift cards that give the giftee 12 free print issues of Businessweek, and they’re directed towards the 22,600,000 18-24 year olds who are still “living with good ol’ Mom and Dad.” According to the marketing website, readers will be wholly inspired by the wisdom handed down to them by Businessweek, and they’ll eventually move out, become moguls, run New York City and remove sugar from the mouths of every man, woman and child ever to walk the banks of the East and Hudson Rivers. But the, uh, “best” part of the deal are the digital giftcards accompanying the subscription themselves: they’re emblazoned with handy little passive aggressive messages chock full of dad humor, like: “I moved out of my parents’ house after college. So it’s not genetic,” “Even Snooki has a job,” (you kids still like Snooki, right?) and “You’re a drain on this country’s economy, sweetie pie.” HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MOM AND DAD YOU ARE HILARIOUS. I’ll just be over here buried in a pile of monthly payment reminders from Sallie Mae.
Businessweek does acknowledge that the sorry state of the economy is not exactly the millennials’ fault, and that the motivation behind the cards and subscription are to help us out and not to blame us. Though we are responsible for “saran-wrap jeans,” whatever that means. Thanks for the hand, Businessweek! But, really, we’re just going to skip the subscription and read you online for free.