We asked 12 NYC comedians: What’s your Plan B in Trump’s America?

In case the flowers don't fall at your feet, what's your plan B? Credit: John Ambrosio

‘James Joyce’ better have a plan if that whole poet laureate thing doesn’t work out. Credit: John Ambrosio

It’s hard out there for an artist, and it isn’t going to get any easier in Trump’s America. The 45th presidency may provide us with endless comedic material, but there’s a chance things will get so bad that even light-hearted laughs will subject to a $500 fine and all comedic content will undergo a rigorous screening process to determine whether it might offend the Chairman President-elect.

I jest (ish), but the point is, everyone’s going to need to have a backup plan in Trump’s America, and the President-elect’s (boooooo, hissssssss) policies on abortion access are going to make that especially hard for women. Did you know? In order not to let that happen, comedian Brett Davis and a ragtag bunch of local celeb comics are doing a fundraiser comedy show for Planned Parenthood tonight, simply titled “The Special Event” (after Davis’ usual show, The Special Without Brett Davis).

Since SNL just picked up a whole bunch of new writers — local space prince Julio Torres among them— it’s unlikely any of the comics in this show will find stardom before Trump takes the White House. So we asked each one to weigh in about their backup career plans, should the whole comedy thing go kaput. In other words, we wanted to know: “What’s your Plan B?”

Jo FirestoneThe Chris Gethard Show: “Wet nurse for llamas.”

Ikechukwu Ufomadu, Ike at Night: “Anchor on NBC’s Today.”

Brett Davis, The Special Without Brett Davis“I’d have so many body mods, I wouldn’t even look like a human anymore. Forked tongue, implanted spikes, a cool word branded on my skin like ‘relentless’… but those are tough to justify in an audition for ‘quiet guy.'”

Joe Rumrill, The Annoyance: “If I couldn’t do comedy, I think I’d like to open up my own mom-and-pop space station right across the street from NASA. Finally give ’em a run for their money, y’know?”

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Lorelei RamirezThe Special Without Brett Davis: “If comedy doesn’t work out I will become a tiny Steve Harvey impersonator and follow him around for the remainder of my life in and oversized suit, a bald cap, and a giant mustache. I will never speak again.”

Nick Naney, Adult Swim: “I’d like to think I’ll teach film studies at a college with a course on ‘Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase One’ but I’d more likely just end up being the funniest guy at the pickle jar factory.”

Steven DeSiena, The Annoyance: “I want to be in a jazz fusion band and will stop at literally nothing to make that come true.”

Nicole ConlanFunny or Die: “I’d spend all day in the gym and just get really fuckin’ huge.”

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Mr. Jokes looks for meaning at a "Special" show. Credit: John Ambrosio

Mr. Jokes looks for meaning at a “Special” show. Credit: John Ambrosio

Steve Whalen aka Mr. Jokes, HBO: “If a heckler asks me if I have a ‘Plan B,’ I say, ‘Your mother should have taken Plan B.’ Always works!”

Tynan DeLongMortified Nation: “If comedy doesn’t work out, I’d probably spend more time with my kids [motions to set of golf clubs].” 

Lena EinbinderThe Special Without Brett Davis: “My Plan B if comedy doesn’t work out is to return to the swamp where I was born centuries ago and continue to lure young fishermen to their boggy demise by singing to them, then eat their bodies. I haven’t done it since the 80s but I’m sure I’ll be able to get back in the groove.”

Colin BurgessThe Special Without Brett Davis: “If comedy doesn’t work out, my Plan B is dramedy.”

The Special Event takes place tonight, Nov. 17, at 8pm at The Villain (50 N. 3rd St.) in Williamsburg. Tickets are $8.