How to not be an awful dickhead in a blizzard

Well, it's here. Try not be a jerk. Photo be David Colon

Well, it’s here. Try not be a jerk. Photo be David Colon

Well, it’s here, the as-of-yet unnamed massive blizzard that’s going to dump a foot of snow on our doorsteps and cause everyone to experience the joys of working from home. It also means people usually engage in some strange behavior wrought by what we can only describe as “snow madness.” Make sure you don’t get caught up in it, because you’re a hardened New Yorker, not some easily spooked SoCal flibbertigibbet who can’t understand the concept of frozen precipitation.

DON’T: Use a snow umbrella

We don’t know how or when the snow umbrella became a trend in New York, but it’s the only thing worse than people using umbrellas at all. Snow won’t make you wet until you get somewhere warm, and before you walk in, you can just shake it off. So avoid the potential for sticking a prong in someone’s eye or being blown away by high winds and leave the umbrella at home.

DON’T: Use a delivery service of any kind

One of the easiest ways to stay safe in a storm is to stay off the roads. You’re going to be doing that, so why are you gonna make your poor deliveryman take his car or bike with no snow tires out? Storms require a little foresight, and it’s not as if people haven’t been blasting warning out about it for days. So at this point if you have no weed or no food, we suggest going begging to your neighbor or your boo. IF YOU MUST ORDER TAKEOUT: Tip 100% if there’s between eight inches and one foot of snow, tip 1000% if there’s over one foot.

Same goes for your weed delivery person. If you didn’t stock up before the storm, better get to figuring out which household cleaners are safest to huff.

DO: Be a mensch and check in on elderly friends and family

Snow might be fun and games for the young and young at heart, but it’s not so easy for the elderly. If you’ve got family, if you’ve got senior citizen neighbors, give them a call. Make sure the heat works, their stairs are shoveled and they don’t need any help with pressing issues. Bring them soup if you live nearby.

DON’T: Wait outside a Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods like it’s a goddamn nightclub

It’s become the annual blizzard event that no one can resist taking a picture of: New Yorkers waiting in an orderly line to get inside a Trader Joe’s. We have no quarrel with Trader Joe’s, but if you’re shopping because you’re worried about having enough goods to live through the storm, there are so many local grocery stores that can also serve that purpose. And look, they’ve got plenty of produce for you:

The Fulton Street Associated isn't Trader Joe's. So what, they have produce without a line to get inside. Photo by David Colon

The Fulton Street Associated isn’t Trader Joe’s. So what, they have produce without a line to get inside. Photo by David Colon

Besides, all that frozen and pre-made shit you love so much is full of salt, which will dehydrate you and cause you to run through all that bottled water you saved up for the societal collapse. Speaking of…

DON’T: Shop like society is collapsing

Blizzards happen and they inconvenience us, but New York does run pretty well through natural disasters. This isn’t some exurb of Phoenix where there’s no commerce unless you get in your SUV. You’ll be able to buy groceries in a matter of days, not a matter of months, so no need to punch out that person going for the same bag of bread as you.

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Look at those pups, they look so happy! Photo by Kate Mooney

Look at those pups, they look so happy! Photo by Kate Mooney

DO: Take your dog outside

You might be all ready to just curl up and watch Netflix for two days, but if you’ve got a dog that’s even half alive, you know they’re gonna want to have fun in the snow. With school closed, Brooklyn’s playgrounds and ballfields are nearby and full of fresh powder for Fido to frolic in. Just pick up dog poop, don’t act like snow is some kind of magical poo-destroying substance.

DON’T: Drive like a maniac

On the one hand, we feel like this should go without saying. On the other hand, we saw someone tearing ass down Fulton Street leaning on their horn, as if the roads weren’t slick and dangerous. If you are driving somewhere for some reason, slow down and take it easy. And try to avoid splashing pedestrians with awful slush puddles when things warm up.

DON’T: Push it on the indoor snowball attacks

The indoor surprise snowball is always funny of course, but not if it becomes a regular thing. In order to keep your apartment from becoming a tense, paranoid box of aggression, everyone only gets one indoor snowball attack. Anything after that and it goes from funny joke to act of war.

DON’T: Make your friends feel bad for being stuck at work 

Hey, some of us don’t have jobs where we get to just leave early just because it’s a little weathery outside. Some of us have newspapers to put out, some of us have bars to tend and maybe some of you out there are doing Actually Important things (s/o to the nurses). Don’t Gchat those friends all day and be like ‘JUST GONNA HAVE A COOL PEOPLE PARTY WITH ONLY COOL PEOPLE EXCLUSIVELY  TOO BAD WE DONT KNOW ANYONE ELSE COOL WHO COULD COME OVER.” (actual Gchat quote)

DO: Get out there and enjoy the snow like a kid whose school was cancelled forever

Fact: winter sucks the most, except when it snows, which is the only good thing about this lousy season. Don’t waste it curled up inside shoveling reruns of Friends into your brain; get out there and play! Get to your local hardware store, dime store or winter arsenal supplier while it’s still open and grab yourself a sled and run for the hills.  Or just trudge around in the snow to find friends to tackle — snow is like instant earth padding.

Do’s and don’ts courtesy of David Colon, Sam Corbin, Tim Donnelly, Kate Mooney, Dave Rosado and Cat Wolinski

6 Comment

  • also from a crazy dog owner to non-crazy dog owners, please, please, please DO use pet safe salt, it really hurts the pups’ feet.

  • Umm snow umbrellas are a real thing EVERYWHERE. If you watch the video of the historic 1947 NYC snowstorm people use umbrellas. If you watch videos on snowstorms in Europe, people use umbrellas. You also didn’t include a photo and spelled “hood” as “good” -_____-

    • Yeah, seriously, ever since I started to use an umbrella in the snow it has made walking in the snow 80% more bearable. No shitty snow blowing in your face, don’t need to pull my oversized hood over my head, and yeah, snow DOES get you wet before you “get somewhere warm”. Why can’t I just be considerate while carrying my umbrella?

  • Haha awesome list guys, have fun!

  • Wow, who the fuck cares what people do during a blizzard.

    This article is as useless as my ass being douched by a Japanese toilet.

    So what if I was to use an umbrella during a storm? If I got out of your way, what harm did it possibly do? You will get wet, especially your socks, so obvious the author is a fucking autistic retard who hasn’t experienced going to work without an umbrella.

    Finally, watch the movie, Reservoir Dogs, and learn the basic fact of how tipping is stupid and completely unnecessary. Do I tip my doctor? No, then why the fuck should I tip a delivery man, especially for my weed?

    Stupid liberal bitch.