Apartment Hunt: ‘No whammies’ in Bushwick, Sunset Park, more

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Word on the street is that we’re more expensive than Manhattan (again). Well, I call shenanigans! I call bullshit. I call my mom and tell her that I’m doing well. This week’s apartments are damn affordable, and I haven’t heard of any living situations below Harlem with prices like these. So enjoy browsing these spots in Crown Heights, Ditmas Park, Sunset Park and Bushwick. And thank your lucky thighs it’s shorts season again, so you can curb-shop for furniture without freezing to death.

O.G. no-fee alert: this prewar 3-bedroom for $2,300 in Crown Heights won’t cost you anything more than the rent. At first glance, the photo may seem to be a picture of the lobby hallway, but that’s the living room! Bay window, ceiling fan and all. The apartment looks like it might be a little poorly-lit, so expect to outfit your new home with plenty of lamps. And the listing doesn’t say much more than that. Most of the photos are actually of this room. Have a go-see before you sign off on it. Bring lamps. Between the Kingston Av. 3 and Utica Av. 3/4/5.

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Hey, how about that: this 3-bedroom in Crown Heights is right across the street from the one above it! At 1528 and 1529 Union Street, respectively. It’s pricier than its neighbor, but the space explains that right away. For $2,600, you’re getting dark wood finishes and lots more natural light in 1100 sq. ft of living space. Walk-in closets and skylights too. Appliances-wise, the listing claims laundry room and the description says “washer/dryer hookup,” so we can’t tell if the machines are actually included. Go see. And here’s hoping the walk-in closet isn’t just in one person’s bedroom—everybody should get to live the Carrie Bradshaw dream in Crown Heights! Between the Kingston Av. 3 and Utica Av. 3/4/5.

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Bushwick is kinda cheap again, too. This 4-bedroom on Bushwick Avenue is only $2,800! I see you, exposed brick. I see you too, stainless steel appliances and granite countertops. And I most definitely see you, kitchen tile. You guys, that is some beautiful goddamn kitchen flooring. All this and more (maybe) for $700 per roomie, in an elevator-equipped building that allows pets! Off the Gates J.

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Moving right along (the train line), we’ve got this 3-bedroom in Ditmas Park for $2,150. Apparently spacious and bright. Unfortunately, this is the a pretty unhelpful listing. Besides a total lack of punctuation, it also doesn’t tell you anything about the bedrooms or amenities. Its price and proximity to the train were still enough for us to tell you about it, though, so be a sport and go see it. Off the Church Av B/Q.

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A little farther south and east, we’ve got a 3-bedroom apartment in Flatbush, in what appears to be one of those “villages” of buildings with names like Flatbush Gardens. Incidentally, this one is called Flatbush Gardens. Apologies for these stock photos. You can find out more information about each unit on the leasing company’s website. It’s a little more sterile than we’re used to with these apartment listings, but for $2,095, 3 bedrooms is a pretty sweet deal. And hey, it’s worth going through the application process if it means moving into a purposefully diversified community and avoiding landlords like these. Off the Newkirk 2/5.

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One more crappy photo, and then we promise we’ll do better. It’s just that this 2-bedroom in Sunset Park is only $1,500. So we had to tell you about it, despite the listing’s use of split photos (notorious for confusing the size of the space). The building is prewar and allows pets. Again, an unhelpful listing that tells you nothing about the size or shape of any of the rooms. At least we can tell you a little bit about the neighborhood you’d be moving into. Off the 59th St. R.

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Another 2-bedroom for $1,500, we never thought we’d see the day! Just kidding, we actually hoped we’d see better days for a really long time and then just settled on prices like these when we couldn’t find anything else. Anyway, this apartment is in Crown Heights. It’s in dire need of decor, since there aren’t any eye-catching finishings, but both bedrooms can fit queen-sized beds. Looks like you might be able to pee into the toilet without getting out of the shower! If price is your priority over space, and you’re looking for a place you only have to share with one other person, this might be your ticket. Off the Utica Av 3/4/5.