Apartment Hunt: ‘No Threesomes Allowed’ edition

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After the anomalous smattering of reasonably-priced 2- and 4-bedroom apartments these past months, BK real estate seems t0 have settled back into the nice-and-easy 3-bedroom setup. You know what that means: no having an impromptu threesome with your roommates and no coupling and forcing one of you to be the third-wheel renter. Seriously! Good things come in threes, (except for a magical rent-stabilized 2-bedroom we found) as long as you don’t fuck it up. And these apartments are totally worth not fucking up for.

It’s rare, if not unheard of, that we here at Brokelyn would ever imagine pushing a 2-bedroom spot that runs you over $1k apiece. But listen: at $1,025/pp, it’s RENT-STABILIZED. When’s the last time you heard of a) a landlord admitting rent-stabilization and b) a stabilized price this low? Also, all the utilities are included. All of ’em. Since another cheaper spot will inevitably hit you with the hidden extras, we think this deal isn’t bad. The Prospect Heights location on this prewar bad boy is prime. Add on the washer/dryer, the live-in super and an elevator, and you’ve got an investment apartment that you might not actually have to move out of. Off the Clinton/Washington C.

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Okay, so for the exact same price you could also have an entire additional bedroom in your apartment. Sure, there are utilities and the rent probably goes up by the year, but for now the price on this 3-bedroom is killer. Prospect Park South, a block off of the Church Av B/Q. Doorman, prewar and prewired for cable and phone. “A short walk to Prospect Park, as is the price!” Whatever that means. Do check it out, because the file photos are just of a comparable unit in the building.

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We won’t say no to no-fee, although the amenities are suspiciously myriad in this no-fee East Williamsburg 3-bedroom for $2,500. But hey, maybe that’s because they’re doing things like listing the Planet Fitness across the street as their “health club.” Anyway, this spot’s got hardwood, dishwasher, and tons of closet space. And, yes, a gym nearby. Each room fits a queen-sized bed! The location also coasts that delicious East Williamsburg/Bushwick threshold off the Flushing J/M. Get ‘er.

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For the quiet-seekers, this open-airy Bay Ridge 3-bedroom strands you waterside, and levels out at a cool $2,500. It’s on the second floor of a house, and—lucky you— “everything is new.” It even comes with a dishwasher and washer/dryer. Won’t take you long to get anywhere, since it’s not far off the Bay Ridge Ave. stop on the newly-restored R Train. Parking available, though, if you’re into that sort of thing.

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It looks like Xzibit might have pimped this 3-bedroom 2-bathroom den of wonders off the Nostrand C train in Bed-Stuy. Besides the party-ready kitchen—equipped with granite countertops, a microwave and dishwasher—this $2,900 apartment also features a Ravish Me Red washer/dryer combo and a back courtyard to host your swanky gatherings. Invite me if you move in; I’m practically your neighbor.

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If you want more space and you’re prepared to shell out the dreaded four-figure rent ($1,000), check out this 1,200 sq. ft 3-bedroom in Crown Heights. Huge bedrooms, a living room and plenty of hardwood. Elevator building with a doorman and an on-site super. Off the Kingston 3-train—now within biking distance of all your kosher BBQ needs!

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There are very few things/people that I will admit to “loving” in this world. So know that I mean it when I say that I love my street. And you can love it too, if you move into this 3-bedroom 1-bathroom beauty on Madison Street, in Bed-Stuy. Queen-sized bedrooms, one of which features a walk-in closet. Living room, and plenty of natural sunlight. Don’t get it twisted with the map icon, though: if the listing speaks true, your new home is actually more like here. But that’s even better: you’ve got watering hole Glorietta Baldy within walking distance, not to mention countless discount shops and the A/C train at Nostrand just a couple of blocks away. Welcome to the neighborhood.