Apartment Hunt: ‘Stop telling me to bring my cat (or dog or fish)’ Edition

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I’ve got a bone to pick with the housing market. Everywhere you look this month, there are calls to “bring your pets,” or apartments boasting that pets are allowed. And you know what? Maybe I don’t even have a pet. On the other hand… maybe it’s fancy reverse psychology to get us to abandon our pets in exchange for hardwood flooring! Either way, here’s what’s up this week: we’ve got your 3-beds, your 2-beds and your pre-wars, dishwasher-equipped and pet-friendly. Check it all out below.

So let’s kick things off in “trendy Bushwick” with this low-fee 3-bedroom DUPLEX for $2,875. Storage space, a “sprawling living room” (ahem, we’ll see about that), and only a block off the M train at Knickerbocker or a few blocks from the L at DeKalb. One lucky roommate scores the door to the backyard, as seen in the listing photos. And who doesn’t love hardwood floors throughout? Oh, your cat doesn’t? Because yeah, you guessed it: pets allowed (upon approval). Better hope Mittens is feeling friendly when the management company swings by for a visit.

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Scoot westward and southward for a peek at this drop-dead-gorgeous Kensington 2-bedroom for $1,695. Guys, holy shit—I mean, this is straight out of the drug trip I never went on at Bonnaroo.  Apartment in a pre-war elevator building, with laundry in the basement and a dishwasher in your kitchen. Hardwood floors throughout, natural light at every turn, and there’s probably a call button for the Ghost of Christmas Past. The title tells you to “Bring Your Cat(s)!” which means you’d sure as hell better rent this before the senile cat lady next door gets tempted to do the same. Off the F/G at Church Av.

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Either right next door or in the same building is this upsize for a roomie trifecta: a Kensington 3-bedroom for $2,395. Look at those strapping young appliances, all taped up with nowhere to go. Except your new home, that is! Freshly renovated in a prewar, with queen-sized bedrooms, laundry in the building, and recessed lighting in the ceiling “to keep you bright at night.” I usually rely on coffee for that, but I’m sure a good recessed bulb does the trick too. Off the F/G at Church Av. Oh, and bring your pets. Go ahead and bring all the pets, forever.

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Shut up. Don’t even talk to me right now unless you’re looking at this kitchen splash and pretending you’re Austin Powers. What more do you need than this motherfucking 60s kitchen splash? Yeah, I gueeessss we could talk about how this 2-bedroom in Crown Heights for $1,800 is actually 2.5 bedrooms, or how it’s in a lovely brick building, or how there are ceiling fans in every room. I could even tell you about how close it is to the A/C trains at Utica Av. But why would you need to know any of that? Just rent this, buy a shag rug, then shag everyone. This is the neighborhood for it, after all.

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And speaking of Christmas miracles, I can’t remember the last time I saw an apartment in Fort Greene for under $1,000/person. But lo! A 2-bedroom for $1,900 before your very eyes. Newly renovated and swimming in natural light. The kitchen is equipped with a dishwasher, a microwave and granite countertops, all of which make it almost, almost as shaggalicious as the one above. It’ll be a loud walk under the BQE to get you to the trains at Jay-Street Metrotech (A/C/F/R), but the trade-off is your proximity to Commodore Barry Park! Where you will walk your dog. Because pets. Are. Allowed.

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And finally, the latest in my secret mission to get everyone to move onto Madison Street: an adorable 3-bedroom in Bed-Stuy for $2,200. Hey, that’s cheap, right? It gets better. This apartment is NO FEE. Yup, so skip right to the part where you move into this pre-war building, with your separate living room and your laundry in the basement. And can you say dishwasher? Good, me too. There’s one in your apartment. A few minutes’ promenade to the C train at Kingston-Throop Av. And a few minutes’ walk to me! Just follow the scent of burnt casserole.