Apartment Hunt: ‘If these walls could talk’ edition in Bed-Stuy, Crown Heights and Bay Ridge

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Don’t believe the hype: even though all humanity will one day be replaced by scores of condominia, we’ve still got plenty of time to enjoy prewar brownstones and stuff. In fact, we didn’t have any trouble this week picking out a number places you can brag about! You might not even want to leave your house to camp out at coffee shops, since now listings are pushing things like “free wi-fi” and floors that “cater to you.” Sounds like your apartment is more than meets the eye. Finger sandwiches, anyone?

This low-fee 3-bedroom in Bed-Stuy is $1,950. That’s just $650 apiece! Top floor of a brownstone, so you get the skylight. Pets allowed. And get this: it comes with free wi-fi. Score! No more Time Warner setup nightmares for you. Don’t rely on the split-level photos in the listing, though; it can make narrow rooms look like wide ones. Off the Utica A/C and the Gates J.

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You may have to trek a little farther south for it, but this $2,100 3-bedroom in Bay Ridge is well worth the trip. Look at the size of this thing, y’all: queen-sized bedrooms, closet space for days, and a separate living room. The listing’s a little cracked out, though; claims it’s a “true 3-bedroom” but also assures you that it’s the perfect 2-bedroom under $2,000. Well, pay no attention to the crazy man behind the listing. Check to be sure, but we’re pretty confident this one’s a winner. Off the Bay Ridge R.

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That no-fee, tho: this 3-bedroom in Crown Heights is a flat $2,400. It’s in a prewar building that allows pets, and features shiny new steel appliances. Looks like a tight little nook that makes up in natural light what it lacks in space, but you’re also in the heart of Crown Heights. Do all neighborhoods have hearts, I wonder? Or are some just empty, wandering souls like the Tin Man, waiting for a salvation that may never come? Off the Kingston-Throop C and the Kingston 3.

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Same price, more space: a Ditmas Park 3-bedroom for $2,400. There’s probably a fee on this one, but it also sounds like a longer-term investment than the above. Why? First, the floor isn’t just any floor. This one “caters to your home design!” No matter how you design it, the floor will cater to it. Just like Mona Lisa following you with her eyes. There’s one queen-sized bedroom—and it’s not just any queen-sized bedroom. This one is actually a “lovely sanctuary for days to come.” So that roommate should expect to pay more, since evidently their bedroom will double as their grave. Off the Newkirk B/Q.

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Even though we’re dicey about the split photos, you can’t go wrong with this 4-bedroom, 2-bathroom apartment that only costs $3,000. $750 per roomie gets you a live-in super and a doorman in this prewar building. No pets allowed, but you can just go play with the ones at any of the nearby Bed-Stuy parks. This location is so damn dreamy, too—right next to Civil Service, and just one block from a massive discount liquor store (you’re learning a lot about me, right?). Off the Bedford-Nostrand G, and the Nostrand C.

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Last up in big-places-for-small-money, this 4-bedroom apartment in Prospect-Lefferts Gardens is also $3,000. It only has one bathroom… wait, is that a trap door in the floor? Please find out for us. If the answer is yes, you can hone your morning-after disappearing act! You’ll also be thrilled to hear that the kitchen is big enough for a table—and also devastated when you repeat that back to yourself. New York, amirite? Listing claims Prospect-Lefferts is the “next hot neighborhood,” but you know, we’ll bet they all get pretty hot once June hits. Off the Winthrop 2/5.

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Normally we wouldn’t try to foist $900 rent on you, but this $1,800 Gowanus 2-bedroom includes all utilities! You could call it South Slope, too—whatever helps you sleep at night, kid. Hardwood, sun-drenched, and south-facing: all the sugar and spice that makes you want to get up in the morning. The apartment may not have any floor-catering amenities, but it has other magical things, like that cute kitchen portal to Narnia. Oh, not a portal, you say? Just a regular window? We’ll see. Off the Prospect Avenue R.