Apartment Hunt: ‘Deuces wild,’ all two-bedrooms, edition

prospect-lefferts gardens

Hey guys, I’m your substitute realtor for today, because Sam is unavailable. While I can’t give you Sam’s noted Canadian wit or keen eye for real estate, I can at least find you some places that won’t break your paycheck into pieces and snort it while demanding more more MORE. It’s just for a week, but long as I’m here, I found you some cheap places to live in Fort Greene, Bensonhurst, Crown Heights and a mysterious place in Sunset Park. They’re also all 2-bedrooms somehow, which I didn’t notice until now. Anyway, let’s go hunting!

Let’s start things off with a 2-bedroom in Prospect-Lefferts Gardens for $1600, eh? Sounds nice, living near the park but not paying Park Slope prices to do that. Plus, judging by the location on the map in the listing, you’ll live near the Kings County Hospital Center, in case you get hit by a car near your home. Which has happened to some people out there. Also, the price on this place has dropped twice in two weeks, so buy low!

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bensonhurst

Next up, we’ve got another 2-bedroom, this one for $1695 down in Bensonhurst. If you invite your friends to your apartment (which gets great light, look at that) and they wrinkle their noses and say “Bensonhurst? I don’t wanna go to Bensonhurst,” OK, fine. First call them boring for only sticking to what they know, and then prepare to mock them in the summer because who’s the one who lives closest to Coney Island and can go there like, every day with no trouble? That’s right, you. Also you’ll be the one who lives near awesome cheap Italian food, not them.

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park slope

It’s not all 2-bedrooms exactly though. For instance, how would you like an “incredible” 2.5-bedroom in Park Slope, hm? It’s a little pricey for two people, at $2500/month, but go on and check it out, maybe that half-bedroom is somewhere a person can live. For instance, I lived in a room between a bedroom and the living room in an apartment once, for just $500 and that was in Bushwick. I’d do it again too, for the right apartment, so you can probably find someone like me out there who’d pay $700 to live in a closet in Park Slope.

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fort greene

Oh wow look at this a 2-bedroom in Fort Greene that goes for $1900/month so you’ll be paying under $1000 if you split it with one person. What are the downsides? Well, you aren’t really close to any subway lines, which is a bummer. But you’re near Commodore Berry Park, which is good. Another bummer is that you’ll be sharing a neighborhood with the world’s worst person. But the secret is that when you live in New York, you’re CONSTANTLY surrounded by the world’s worst people, so what’s the difference really?

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crown heights

How about Crown Heights? Crown Heights is nice, and this $1550/month 2-bedroom is right off the Park Pl. shuttle if the map is to believed, which is a pretty good train seeing as how it connects you with a bunch of other trains. Connections are important. Also you’ll be within walking distance of the Brooklyn Museum, so you can get smart and cultured and stuff. Being smart and cultured and stuff is also important.

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bed stuy

Bed-Stuy has 2-bedrooms too, if you can believe it (which you should because every apartment on this has been 2-bedrooms, like I promised). You’ll be paying $1550/month to live here, but maybe you can get a special discount if you know how to actually pronounce “Throop.” Even if you didn’t get the discount through, I think you should take the price as is, because it’s pretty good price and you’ll be within walking distance of Herbert von King Park, which is a good park. Oh and you get a yard!

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sunset park

Finally, there’s this spooky and mysterious 2-bedroom in Sunset Park for $1700. I mean, I don’t think it’s haunted, it’s more mysterious because the listing agent didn’t use a picture of an apartment, instead going with a picture of Sunset Park in general. We know what Sunset Park looks like you guys, we want to know what the place we’d live in Sunset Park potentially looks like. So, check this place out with a skeptical mind, but also with a mind that knows you’ll be within spitting distance of these awesome Sunset Park spots if you live here.