Fear-mongering aside, the world will probably (fingers crossed) make it through the Trump presidency: Rome didn’t fall in a day, and neither will America. That said, it never hurts to be too prepared, and since your best bet is probably to never leave the liberal echo chamber of NYC, here are Brokelyn’s recommendations for Brooklyn’s best hideout locations to hunker down in case of Trumpocalypse that causes war, disease or just a bunch of gentrifying Pepe the Frogs and wait until the next election, or Judgement Day (whichever comes first).
Criteria considered for qualifying locations include visibility, isolation and good local public schools, in case of impeachment. In the event of nuclear fallout, there’s no point hiding: we’re all going down together.
The Gowanus Bat Cave
What could make a better zombie retreat than an abandoned 1896 powerhouse on the banks of the Gowanus Canal? One of Brooklyn’s most iconic eyesores, this industrial hulk is across the street from Whole Foods, making it easy to meet the CDC’s recommendation to stock up on nonperishables in your emergency kit. With plenty of visibility and isolation, the most major concern about shacking up in the Gowanus Batcave is that it is the likely site of a Revolutionary War burial ground, meaning the building’s foundation may be compromised if bodies arise beneath it.
The Red Hook Grain Terminal
Another forsaken industrial relic, the Red Hook Grain Terminal offers stunning waterfront views brimming with local history. Lurking behind IKEA, the grain elevator was built in 1922 and is sturdier than a bomb shelter. Despite significant decay, the lack of stairs actually makes the structure significantly safer for hideout purposes. And the 120 cement silos provide wonderfully spacious protection for friends and family.
Williamsburgh Savings Bank Clock Tower
Once Brooklyn’s tallest building, the Williamsburgh Savings Bank Tower is next to none in terms of visibility. Luxury condos in this clock tower routinely sell for over a million dollars, but once all the residents have fled the city you can have this stunning Byzantine-Romanesque style landmark all to yourself. A ground-floor vault from the building’s banking days would provide marvelous shelter if the building is invaded.
Sunset Park Police Precinct Station
Formerly the 68th Precinct Station, this castle-like police station house has been in shambles since its 1970 closure. Still, the building’s overgrown, decrepit state and perimeter scaffolding will serve as fine neo-Nazi impediments. Fire-ravaged and crumbling, the building has already withstood its own apocalypse — all the better reason it can weather another.
Hopefully the Navy Yard will have done something with the crumbling Admiral’s Row before doomsday. If not, the strip of 10 Second-Empire homes in the Brooklyn Navy Yard will serve as fantastic kindling for the delusions of grandeur you’ll likely be having as you slowly go mad in a world where your friends have all been brainwashed into having morals from three centuries before. While the homes’ location far from the subway was once an inconvenience, it will actually serve as a plus now that the tunnels are teeming with Pepe and his alt-right brethren.
160 Imlay Street
A former New York Dock Company warehouse, 160 Imlay is a six-story shipping warehouse being developed into residential apartments. With regimented shafts and its positioning at the edge of Red Hook, the aging storehouse offers ideal visibility and multiple escape routes. The goliath may or may not have been converted and occupied by the time democracy crumbles, but either way it is stolid and near the water.
The Wonder Wheel
While Coney Island does not beat the Statue of Liberty’s call for your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, it has made itself known as a safe haven for freaks and fools alike over the centuries. Whether you put up camp in a swinging or stationary car doesn’t matter so much as that the Wheel has had no major accidents since its construction, meaning equipment breakdown is at least less likely than America’s. For Coney Island lovers, now you never have to get off the ride.
This article originally appeared on Brownstoner, back when the possibility of zombies was humanity’s biggest concern