“Artisanal, a word that fought early in his career to ensure recognition of craftsmen for their important contributions to society before later being drafted into the creation of a worldwide gourmet branding glut, died Wednesday at his brownstone in Brooklyn overlooking a small gourmet mayonnaise store. At best estimates, he was approximately 474 years old.”

Here, some alternatives:

1. old manmade
2. pitspeckled
3. pasturesmithed
4. peasant-chewed
5. tipple dipped
6. microgrammed
7. poorganic
8. turbine-dried
9. sweat-cured
10. Dumpster-crusted
11. wonder-batched
12. rust cut
13. cobblenobbed
14. overpriced

Add your suggestions in the comments!